Golden Tears For Golden Years

Sonni Quick hands on the piano keyboard

My personal music website  – sonniquick.net

Soundcloud     my album “Stories Without Words”

Soundcloud   complete catalogue plus other artists I like

Piano Improv Music of Sonni Quick . . . New facebook page of the past and present

ReverbNation . . . Website of Indie music not on traditional radio stations. Sonni’s featured page.

SkunkRadioLive    Indie radio station out of London.  This is my featured page – plus – you can tap into many other artists from all over the world not picked up by a major label.  I wish there was something like this is my younger days – before internet!

The Road I Traveled

growing older

THE ROAD I TRAVELED

Living and making it count ’til the end
Knowing it matters. Not giving up
It’s easy to say I’m sorry, my friend
Sometimes I’m tired. I’ve been through enough
But I can’t give up now, I fought to be here
I promised myself I had much more to give
I had to make the most of these years
Or what was the reason for wanting to live?

The longer I live I see in my mind
The road I traveled that brought me to where
I could see down the road to dreams I would find
One foot, than another will take me there.

No one told me living was easy
If I had known the troubles to come
Would I change? Would I choose to be me
There are roads far more traveled. Would I have begun?
Knowing time is not on my side

no one would care if I laid down my dreams
I’m still young, my mind inside of me lied
Don’t lay down no matter how easy it seems

The longer I live I see in my mind
the road I traveled that brought me to where
I can see where I’m going and dreams I would find
One foot than another has taken me there.

Sonni Quick copyright 2017

handwriting music

 

Golden Tears For Golden Years

Golden Tears for Golden Years. I thought getting old was a long time in the future. Aging happened to old people, not me. My life changed for me after my liver transplant in 2012. I understood how precious life was. We have a choice as we age.  We can get old on the inside and the outside or we can continue to grow and expand how we think about life, regardless if the outside skin ages. If we think we are old then we aren’t going to try new things and reach for things we want to do because we think we are too old.  Being old in our mind makes us appear older on the outside.

I’ve done a lot in my life.  Not everything was successful. But if you never try you know without a doubt that you will not succeed at anything.  Is there a point where you should stop trying? If you are able? That is a waste of the few years we have. People often grow old too fast.  They fear the unknown and settle for what is “safe”. It’s easier.  I see many unhappy older people. We do reach a point where it becomes impossible. Health gets bad.  Things we knew we should have stopped doing – but kept on doing, with the attitude of, “You gotta go somehow,” becomes a reality. 

Depositphotos_18546511_s-2015

The older we get the more people we lose and the more alone we get. We don’t think about these things until it becomes too late.  It becomes a matter of living out each day until we get old enough to die ourselves. I live in a senior community.  I see it all around me. I see it in family who won’t change the way they eat even though they know if they continue it will shorten their life. 

I did things that ended up making me sick.  It came very close to ending my life, but I pulled through.  I’m not in the best of health.  Some days are a major push to get through. I can give into this and let it be the focal point of my life or I can “see” a different future. I can’t make anyone do what I think they should do, even if I am right. And I can’t live my life the way others think I should.

So here I am, in my 60’s.  Not young, not old, but coming up on the far side of middle age. I am using what time I have left doing what makes me happy.  I can’t make anyone else happy.  They have to figure that out for themselves. Financially I am not secure. Living on disability is barely working.  I lost my living when I got sick. I need to make more money and the only way I can do that is writing music and writing words.  I need to go through the insecurities and fear of failure and focus on what I need to do and trust it is the right thing. 

That is the meaning of the title of this piece of music. When we are young we have our whole life ahead of us, even though some die young they rarely know it is coming.  Youth have had very few personal disappointments from career choices and few relationship failures.  They haven’t yet raised a family.  Options of what to do is great.

At my age I do have things that bring tears to my eyes; disappointments that are hard to deal with; people who change and become unrecognizable and health that falls apart because either we don’t take care of it or we think we can start taking care of it at a later date.  I want to use the years I have left thinking of what I want to do that makes me happy. I’m coming up on my golden years and I want to make the most of it. 

It is not about what I look like, it is about who I’ve become which then shows in the music I create – that comes from the experiences I’ve had in my life. I am leaving a footprint of who I am that can be listened to or read after I am gone. My great great grandchildren? Maybe one will be a keyboard player or musician of some other kind who will learn who I am through my music. That music can live on.

 

Sonni Quick at SoundCloud – Stories Without Words

Reverbnation

Sonni Quick’s Piano Improv Music at Facebook

twitter page

Piano Impro Music of Sonni Quick – “Drifting on a Cloud”

Sonni Quick hands on the piano keyboard

This is my newest piano piece. My music is always improvised. I play what I feel. This is the perfect piece of music when I need to unwind from a stressful day.  I try to end my day and go to sleep – except I can’t.  Sleep doesn’t come. My day keeps going around and around inside my head as I search for ways for solutions. I have a lot going on.  different projects. They are never finished.

I have two blogs to keep going.  One, this one, is where I post my creativity and sometimes the work of others.  I rant and rave.  I write poetry and music. My other blog is on prison issues and Jami’s life.  I write a newsletter – ITFO News. the letters stand for Inside The Forbidden Outside, the book I am writing about Jamie’s life that is in a second rewrite as I polish it to make it the best I can.  I want to help him get hiss life started again when he gets out in about 4 years. This is all in my other blog My  Name is Jamie. My Life in Prison. My facebook page is very active for Jamie Life In Prison.

My music web pages take a lot of maintenance . One is SkunkRadioLive. – a indie radio station out of London. Also ReverbNation. – a very popular website for musicians. Another is Soundcloud. I’m putting an album out “Stories Without Words”.  When It is done you’ll find the album at CDBaby, Spotify and others that sell indie music. 

All of these sites take a lot of communication with other people, writers and musicians. When you are an indie writer and an indie musician there is no label or publishing house to do the work.  I have to do it all myself and hope those who  follow me on social media sign up for my newsletter, share a few things and help me push it forward.

And I love it all. 

I feel in control of my my life.  I make the causes. I’ll get the effects.  I’m not waiting for anything else out there to change my life for me I try as much as possible to help other people.  I share their work.  I encourage people.  it is easy to get discouraged. We put ourselves out there and people judge the quality of what we do.When I was a young musician it was different.  Youth try to be famous. They want to play big arenas and make gobs of money.  I know I did. But life got in the way.  it wasn’t to be.  Now it isn’t important.  I just want to play music.  I’ve have played the piano for many years and I like where I am now. I’m not trying to sound like anyone other than myself.  If you like it – great.  If you don’t?  Well, you can’t please everyone. I also think I am writing a book that will have an appeal to many people.  I have to have that confidence or I will never finish it.

Every day I spin my plates and while one is spinning I spin another and gradually all of my projects move forward. I believe in myself and having that confidence is have the battle.  too many people start something and quit halfway through with excuses for why they quit.  Not me.  life isn’t about getting to your going – it is the process you go through as you make your way there.  If you don’t love what you do you’ll find ways to quit.

The hours of the day go by.  I forget to go to bed and when I do I lay there awake – thinking. As soon as I think I can go to sleep something startles me fully awake again.  I look at the clock. 4am, 5am 6am.  I blew it going to sleep.  When it starts getting light out I know I’m in trouble. I know there is no way I can get enough sleep now and I’ll feel draggy all day. I have gone through many days with less than 4 hours of sleep.

Now, when I have a night when I can’t sleep, I put on my headphones and pull up the website for SkunkRadioLive, click on the first piece of music, turn it down low and escape into the notes as they play.  It really is the soundtrack for dreams.  Beautiful melodies that melt into each other. I enjoy music as I play. I close my eyes and let it flow from my fingers. It’s relaxing and often haunting. I hope you enjoy it.  Let me know.  There is enough music recorded to play for a couple hours and never repeat.  Hopefully you’ll be fast asleep long before that. Z Z z z z . . .

AN EMPTY BOX OF GET WELL CARDS

AN EMPTY BOX OF GET WELL CARDS

 

I opened up my box of cards to lovingly remember

The cards from those who cared about me and wanted me to know

I was important to them in their lives . . . Love, the sender

The sender had no name, no address on the card

Who was I to no name was signed below

I sat and thought and tried to think, to remember hurt is hard

I looked down at empty hands because there was no card

 

I sat and held my empty box pretending it was full

It was instead my mother’s box which held the love for her

Showered with their love, she caressed them one and all

She looked at every single one, a smile upon her face

Thinking of how loved she was, the memories recalled

Feeling happy she was loved because she is my mother

Not thinking how I’d feel because my family didn’t care

enough to send a card to me, my face had been erased

 

“Why?” you ask, “was this so, did they not care for you?”

“Why do you think they pulled away and wouldn’t show they cared?”

A tragedy to be alone when there was one thing they could do

In all these years they never tried, with so much life to share?

“Why did they turn? What did you do for them to cause such pain?”

They listened to only one side, my mother’s truth for her

My side had no meaning, it was me who was to blame

Why add my truth, hers was enough, don’t take both sides and stir

 

The whole truth just might change their minds, a need to say “I’m sorry”

With crossed arms, chin in the air, no lips can say those words

Admit that you just might be wrong? Not you. You never could.

“I must protect our mom from you, I will NOT hear your story

If you live or if you die, I won’t be by your side

Neither will my husband, son or daughter so don’t worry

We’d rather you just go away, be rid of you for good

We won’t call or send a card, no one cares if you cried.”

 

She said, “I stand by what I know – the words our mother spoke.

She told me she was hurt by you, I can’t support you both

I don’t care what really happened, why mom said the things she did

You’re on your own, I do not care no matter what your truth

It’s too late to change my mind. Believe me, there’s no hope

I do not care.  Not worth my time. I have better things to do

With all my friends who love me, who needs love from you?”

 

I take my empty box of cards and put it on the floor

Crush it underneath my feet, smash it on all sides

Throw it in the trash outside, hoping not try once more.

I know fully what I’ve lost, I wonder if they do.

I know myself, what I have to give, this isn’t said with pride

I know the person I’ve become, was it worth it to burn

all future possibilities becoming future smiles

remember future time, now past, but never happened. Never learned.

 

No music ever written to celebrate a day

No poems ever written to engrave a deep felt thought

No picture ever taken and shared with love and smiles

Never sent across the world no matter what the miles

No victory of children’s growth, funny smiles or love to share

No sadness felt when things go wrong. No one knows to say, “I care.”

Birth, aging, sickness, death. The cycle all life follows

Who will hear when you have something to say.

The echo sounds ring hollow

 

 

 

 

Talking To My Younger Self

K’lee    Sonni Quick © 2017  Piano Improvisation

Very recently, I had a rather profound conversation with a man I don’t physically know. He is another mind in the blogosphere. Some people are so easy to connect to and you instinctively know your lives were meant to cross. There is so much we can learn from others if we stop trying to only get our point across and learn to listen.  I’m not sure without looking what country he lives in, but our ability to talk about this reality called life, is rare. Be honest when taking responsibility for your life instead of blaming the bad things on external reasons, or saying, “God must have wanted this to happen. It’s his plan for me.”

This man told me what he was doing with his own life. It was something I had never thought to do. Not like this. He said, “Go back and talk to your younger self and forgive her for the mistakes she made. Tell her you love her and you understand.” So the other day, while chanting, which anyone else could do using any way their faith dictates or even with no faith at all, using any means that helps give them with clarity. I sat down in the chair in front of the scroll of my Gohonzon to chant, already understanding the outcome will be difficult to deal with. 

I have been through decades of illness and surgeries and ongoing pain because my younger self stuck needles in her arm to get high and contracted the virus Hep C. This wasn’t even a word in our vocabulary at that time, but would it have made a difference to me if it was? I didn’t know then why I said yes to drugs. I know the answer now. It was a cause made somewhere in my long existence and the effect came forth at the time it was meant to. I  blindly followed the intended course. My younger self had no power over that karma the same way all karma affects the lives of others.

Some people have been taught, God pulls the puppet strings of their lives, but I never believed that. It made no sense. Not understanding why things happen doesn’t mean it was done by an outside source. It just means I don’t have the wisdom to understand it. Karma is the exact same thing as the lesson taught that reads, “You reap what you sow.” It doesn’t matter if you believe it. It is just as real as gravity. If you jump out of a plane you will fall to the earth whether you want to or not. We create what happens to us – and we repeat it until we learn the lesson it is teaching.

Unless you were born with an illness, ALL illness has a starting point that most people could have changed had they not done something to create it or perhaps allowing harmful things into their bodies that shouldn’t be there.

As I began chanting, relaxing myself with the deep breathing necessary to chant nam myoho renge kyo, I had a talk with my younger self at age 19. My 62 year old self, broken, stapled and screwed back together, gazed at a young girl the age my grandchildren are this day. They don’t know the word consequence any better than I did and think the only time that matters is this very moment.

I can so clearly remember a day, standing on the porch of someone’s house, looking out into a sunny day while watching people and cars move about in the course of their day. I thought to myself, I couldn’t see a time in the knowable future where I wouldn’t be sticking a needle into my bruised arm. These people didn’t know what they were missing. I hadn’t reached the point where the drug was needed to bring me up to normalcy. Forget getting high. I was using up my future life’s energy.

This younger me was so young, so perfect in her youth with her entire life ahead of her, and I cried. I  sat there with my head bowed and tears flowed down my cheeks. I whispered to her, “I am so sorry. I’m sorry what my lack of wisdom did to you.”

“I understand now why you did it, but it took me a long time to learn the answers. Why you needed to become this other person who felt better about herself when shooting speed – I understand.” I continued, “You needed the false confidence it gave you to make friends. I understand being near people made you afraid. I understand how you felt you had no value, so why would anyone else think you had value and want to be near you? Why would anyone want to be your friend? I understand you couldn’t give these feelings a voice. When you are high you feel you have worth. You have not learned yet how to achieve the understanding of how much value you really have – without the drugs.”

As I write these words I look at my left hand. I am grasping my thumb in a tight first. It is what I have always done when I needed to hold and comfort myself; reassure I am really here.

Because of this; because of the mountains you will have to learn to climb that gives you the understanding of how powerful you really are, the me you see before you now has learned things I never would learned without the life you have yet to live.

Without this struggle I would be a different person. I am sorry about the decades of pain you will have to suffer through, that I have already lived. But you will be okay. Through this you will help many people and become a woman who matters – all because of what you learned to teach. I want to thank you for being the soul – the body I inhabited during birth. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone else. You don’t know these things yet and I wish I could help you along the way, but understand I love you and I’ll be waiting until you get here. Just know, you will live through this.

I am proud of you, so proud, because you will learn the value of your life and you live it, in spite of what others think. You will reach and fall and pick yourself up no matter how many times life tries to knock you down. You will dust yourself off and re-determine you are stronger than the rock that knocked you off balance. You won’t hide. You won’t quit because you still breathe. This is the effect of the cause that made you an addict so long ago. This is the lesson it was trying to teach you. You will never repeat it again.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. People who I thought loved her – loved me – yet resented who I became, because the truth of who this young girl grew to be, became too hard for them to look at and see the truth. So be it. It’s easier to be hateful than to look at why you hate. It’s easier to pretend she doesn’t matter than to face your own insecurities. I expected too much from people who had no capacity to show and accept responsibility for their actions. How could I expect them to understand mine?

I had no strength to explain to my younger self what was to come, some pain is deeper than the physical. But she will learn that in time. That is a pain I see no end to. It is something to bear in later years.  Everyone has pain they have to lock away to survive.

No One Gets Out of Life Alive

we are human

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Life Interrupted

 Copyright Sonni Qui2015

NO ONE GETS OUT OF LIFE ALIVE

No one gets out of life alive
This was a year of loss and saying goodbye
Was no one dying when I was young?
or was death far away and I wasn’t among
the people whose lives were nearing the end
Did they manage to do what they did intend?
Or did they say they didn’t have the time
I’ll do it tomorrow or next year sometime
Every day we hear that so and so died
we stop, take deep breath and let out a sigh
you know he had problems, his heart wasn’t strong
I didn’t think he would live for very long
Our habits, not caring, hasten our death
you gotta go somehow, as we take our last breath
She was such a good person, it’s a shame she’s gone
But now she can be with her dear husband John
People need to believe in a heaven above
a place where our loved ones continue to love.
She died much too young, she should have had years
We now just have memories and sadness and tears
We want to believe we’ll see them someday
It helps us cope if we think there’s a way
Many believe after death there is more
Drawing our last breath opens a door
Each in our own way finds a way
to make sense of our life as we fade away
Because no one gets out of life alive
Every year has it’s loss and saying goodbye
Soon it will be you, what will they say?
What do you want remembered this day?
I lived my life honestly and helped all I could
I grabbed every dream, lived as good as I should
I have no regrets, I learned from mistakes
I lived my life fully, but in places it aches
Someday I’ll be the one that others will miss
I hope not with sadness, but with happiness