I can’t contain the pain
if I have to witness it over and over again
See the faces of people who
wouldn’t mind if I ceased to exist.
Who wouldn’t care if I was here or not
So long ago I said, two words would make it better
“I’m sorry” I hurt you
“I have nothing to be sorry about.” Ouch.
That slap loosened a tooth
Nothing to be sorry about ringing in my ears
Who wants to deal with that?
Pretend it wasn’t said.
I can’t do that. My bones break too easily
Do you know what it’s like to a pariah?
Seven years alone with family all around me?
I gave my sister a hug the other day
said thank you, I appreciate you
To show HER how to be human
and she’s supposed to be a Christian?
Maybe God will kick HER through the pearly gates
for being phony
The Golden Rule is useless
if you don’t know what it means – or why
What does that faith teach you?
It doesn’t matter if you hurt someone?
because God forgives the hurtful things you do?
You think that lets you off the hook?
Or after awhile it just fades away and doesn’t matter?
It matters to me
So sad how some people can be in their righteousness
She would have never tried to hug me
I hope that makes her feel good.
It sure hasn’t changed her for the better
Too many causes. To many effects to reap
Sometimes I want to make my family hurt
as much as they hurt me
That’s wrong. But I’m human, too. I lash out.
She knows pain but she gave mine no validity
She taught her daughter well
She is her mother’s daughter
passes judgement without knowledge
She’s evil with a black heart, but I’ll pray for her
even though I’m just an old hag, drug addict
The other one is just a long lost cause
I tried – gave her a part of me. Gave it with love
It was wasted. She spit it back at me
Kicked me, too – so callous – then she blamed me
It’s my fault for thinking she would acknowledge
a gift from my heart
Thank you for your kindness
At least LISTEN to the goddam music I wrote
A 1000 other people did. She called me names
because I dared to write – my family never learned
to say the words “I’m sorry”
or to say the words “Thank you”
or “Tell me, what IS YOUR side of the story?
What could you have done?
You could have listened
I was screaming for you to hear me – but no one heard
How dare I want compassion
You have none to give
It is what the Bible teaches
Mom blames me
I should not have left home at 18 with her blessings
She said, “If you have no family now it’s your own fault.”
“You should not have lived your own life in other places
Why should they love you now? Who are you?”
I’m sorry. If I knew I’d be punished for returning
I would have never come.
I thought. . . I was wrong . . . they would care . . .
at least a little
Then it stands to reason
why should my mom love her sister in Mexico?
Like the Amish who shun their children if they leave
I was shunned – because I returned
“People can’t love someone who isn’t there,”
she said, defending her family
even though many of her family loves her
and they live far away
Does she love them any less because of that?
She said I shouldn’t blame them for not caring
it’s my fault my fault my fault
She gathered her family close to her
and set me outside the circle
Made sure they cared more about her wellbeing with nothing left for me
And you don’t even know why
she told the stories she did to make you want to be rid of me
I didn’t understand myself at first
why she made me not worthy of loving because
“Mom doesn’t lie”
Not a lie, just a twisting of reality
wrapped around her needs
A complete truth was created from it
But it wasn’t the truth
Spider legs of fabricated story line
bears no relation to the truth
Ego can be an ugly thing when wielded like a dagger
Perceived criticism must be punished!
Off with your head!
Even when the criticism was all in your head anyway
I begged and begged over the years
“Please tell them the truth.”
You took my family from me
Tell them what you did and why
but ego held her tight
I was accused of harassing her so no truth was told
All these years we talked and talked, “Please fix this”
No one will listen to me. I tried
“It’s not the right time.” “I don’t have the courage.”
“WHAT do you WANT me to do about it now!
I can’t take this anymore!!”
and hung up the phone
From someone who says she never gives up
She gave up
Ego can be a hurtful weapon
when you sacrifice someone you love to protect yourself
I listen to her talk about HER family and everything they do
STOP! I don’t want to hear about people
who are dead to me!
I was dead to them long before. They killed me first
I just repaid their kindness
You keep ripping off the scabs. It’s infected underneath
pus leaks down my legs
It can’t heal – like the death of a son can’t heal
Is your pain deeper? More important?
Do you feel it more? Is pain-pain?
Is the death of a son more important than the death of a family?
I thought they were family
That was my mistake
I am a person – a real person – a living, breathing person
I feel things deeply.
It comes out in music no one wants to hear
It comes out in poetry no one wants to read
I lived – and no one cares I did – How can that be so?
Mom said, “Really, they DO love you.” Really?
I’d hate to be on the receiving end of indifference.
I only think she wanted to believe they loved me
wishful thinking to make me feel better – she knew
you had better things to do
than give me a moment of your time
the price of a stamp on a get well card too much
And it isn’t what you DO
It’s what you say. It’s what you try to understand
A bull in a china shop approach to love is abrasive
You don’t listen. You don’t want to know
There was no one to celebrate me – I lived. I didn’t die
So what. No-Big-Deal.
Nothing I’ve been through was important
No one showed me I mattered – except my older sister
Her lying husband killed that
I have those lies in black and white
A dozen times mom said,
“It’s your own fault for trying
to create a relationship with THAT man”
“I warned you.”
“Do what I do, ” which is nothing, tell everyone, blame her
and lose your daughter
while waiting for her to let you in. “What did I do?” Nothing.
making it her fault – never listening to her silent screams
“I’m here. I’m a real person!”
You still think, “What can I do now”
You’re still breathing aren’t you?
but still you wait for her to make it better
Ever think she might be waiting, too?
You’re the mother
Where is your proof? You said,” I never give up!” Did you?
Yes you did. Don’t fool yourself – and you still breathe
Someday you won’t and it really will be too late
The reflection in the mirror tells you the truth
Will you leave this life letting your ego win?
I’m sorry if the truth hurts
I saw Cindy. The real Cindy. She saw me – for awhile
But she needed Bill more than she needed a sister
She made a choice to believe
I sent a nasty text I didn’t send to her
At the hospital, she didn’t get the one I really sent
As he reads this lie to everyone
Bastard. Lying phony blowhard plastic Christian
That says it all. Everyone else has said the same thing
He should be ashamed
But Cindy? Why would I have hurt
the only one who loved me?
I miss her. She loved me for a little while. I still have that
The first and ONLY time I ever had a real sister
Bill, in all his new found Christianess
needed her to wear a cross
How would it “look” if she didn’t hold up her end
of the game of massaging his ego
but I know her true feelings
because he was going to preach now, after he got out of jail
for waving his drunken gun
feed his large ego – be the center of attention
I am Buddhist and he said she will NEVER be one
in his control
He lied to her and took away the only family I had
For 2 years she was the only family I could touch
Then she was gone
I made the effort to get my mother back
MY EFFORT. Not hers. Why?
Regrets. I couldn’t let her do to me what happened to Cindy
I couldn’t let her make herself believe
she had done all she could
and believe this mess was all my fault
Telling tales. Making people feel the need
to protect you from me
No courage to open yourself – lay it on the line
“I made a mistake. I didn’t mean to. I love my daughters”
“But I don’t have the courage to change the causes I made
that brought these painful effects.”
You let me hurt. Told me to fix it
And I cry for my mother
I love her from the very bottom of my heart
I see the pain of helplessness on her face
She didn’t intend for this to happen
But intentions have no meaning
It’s what you do that counts
That is the cause you made
She’s running out of time – wasting time
She wants to forget about it
She wants to pretend she’s happy in the time she has left
sweep it under the rug, but it won’t stay there
It slithers out and grabs her by the ankle
There is an elephant in the room no one wants to see
I’m too busy. It’s not my fault. Who cares anyway.
A broken record. I can’t pick up the pieces by myself
with people who never wanted to understand
I want to run away – I probably will first chance I get
I won’t tell anyone when I go.
Leave this godawful mess for another lifetime to fix
I’m not strong enough to be around you all
I want to hurt you back
Make you bleed inside.
Pour salt on your wounds and walk away
laughing – So there! How does THAT feel?
Wouldn’t that make me a terrible person?
I’d be in good company
You can pretend to everyone else
but you can’t pretend to yourself
Imagine if all your family died in a plane crash
Left many things unsaid. If I only had the time to say . . .
Sister, of all people knows what it’s like
to not be able to change the past
what would you do different if you had the chance
I’m so sorry about your pain. I feel it deep inside
Do you think she ever thought about mine?
Even my last surgery when I almost lost my arm
and the ability to make music.
No phone call. No “How are you? Are you scared?
I’m thinking about you.
Don’t give up hope. I love you.”
So easy. So impossibly hard
She was beyond the ability to care. They all were.
So what. Not my problem they thought, if they thought at all
If you don’t like I wrote this for the world to read
Maybe you should have listened when I tried to talk.