“Nana, Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People? “

 

Sonni QuickI am honest, with myself and the people around m. I don’t lie. I simply don’t. The words that come out of my mouth and the words I write are true to the best of my ability. I don’t pretend to be something I am not. I don’t think I am always right. I can admit when I’ve been wrong.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes along the way with good choices and bad choices. Those choices all have consequences we have to live with. But it is hard for some people to take responsibility for all of the events that happen to them. It’s easier to think some piles of crap we have to wade through aren’t our fault; something else caused it or it was just the luck of the draw. People often can’t connect the dots. Sometimes it’s too far back to see it so they assumed it happened by itself with nothing to cause it.

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A few days ago I had a texting conversation with my 19 yr old granddaughter who has been making careless choices that have severely affected her stability. She has burnt bridges while staying with people who allowed her to move in or asked too often for money while jumping from one boyfriend to the next. She’s young. She’s had a tough childhood. She’s been on her own her own for awhile making decisions but she doesn’t have the wisdom to know if she’s making good or bad decisions. The effects have buried her in deeper holes to get out of and she doesn’t know yet what she needs to do.

I love her dearly. She reminds me so much of myself at that age. Some of the careless choices we make when we are young affect us long after we have grown up but it’s too late now to go back and change them.

She said to me, “Nana, why do bad things happen to good people?”

Because being a good person has nothing to do with what is happening to you today. We can be a good person and still make bad choices. We are responsible for the things that happen to us. No one else makes them happen. Other people are worrying about the effects of their own choices. We cause our own mess. We bring the wrong people into our lives. We might not get the effect of that right away. The effect happens when it is supposed to, but by then we might not see the connection.

In the teen years it is easy to blame your parents or other people in your life for causing things to happen to you. It is hard to point at yourself first. Or pride steps in. “You were never there for me!” Why things happen to us is much deeper than what we did that day, that month or even that year. My hope is that she doesn’t make choices that can ruin her life.

Because of my own choices I made at her age, I am paying dearly for today. I had left home at 18 to go to college and screwed it up because I had a boyfriend who did drugs. The hard kind. I was always curious about everything. I wanted to find out what things were. It was a bad choice. I didn’t understand the word consequences. I was not taught about that. I believe it is one of the most important things to teach young people and it is only learned the hard way. But would I have listened if someone had tried? Probably not. I had to find out the hard way.

But I did stop, a long time ago. I felt fortunate that I did. My life was full. I had two kids. I was playing music. I played hard. I worked hard to take care of my children as a single mother. I thought I had it together. I didn’t realize until it was too late about consequences. It was too late to learn it.

I began to get sick in the mid 80’s. The doctors had no idea what was wrong. It could be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia, until I found out I had Hepatitis C in 1998. I had never heard of it. The cause I had made between the years of 19-21 was going to affect me more than I could comprehend. I had no idea what was coming up.

I am a good person. I try to do the right thing. I learned a lot about myself through battling these consequences and I’ve tried to pass that wisdom I learned on to others. But none of that was going to change what was happening to me. I couldn’t fix that. I have had to fight hard to live and it has not been fun.

I will be 65 this month. Tonight I lay against pillows writing on my tablet. I came home from another surgery as I fight cancer – again. I had a liver transplant in 2012 because of the Hep C and liver cancer. I have had quite an assortment of infections and things gone wrong because my immune system is suppressed. My bad liver caused severe osteoporosis and I break easily. My back fractured, by itself and I fell on my arm and crushed it like a roll of Ritz crackers so I now have a titanium shoulder and upper arm and elbow wrapped in titanium with many screws holding it together. My spine and neck are compressing. I have arthritis in my left hip. I’m an accident waiting to happen.

I can’t fight cancer. I had a tiny spot on my ear. They cut out a piece of it. It came back .  When it didn’t stop the entire top half of my ear was cut off. It looks like a dog ate it for lunch. I had radiation that permanently burned off the hair on the side of my head all the way up to the top. The cancer blew through that in ten days and now I had a swollen lymph node under my ear. The cancer went internal. Shit. I’m in trouble now.

My neck was sliced open from my hairline at the back of my neck behind the ear down to my collar bone across to the top of my sternum. Dozens of lymph nodes were removed, and nerves were damaged. There was a lot of  bleeding that couldn’t be stopped. My jugular vein had to be sacrificed. I look like Frankenstein and someone sewed my head on.

Will this stop the cancer? Maybe. Probably not. This doctor didn’t lie to me and say, “I think we got it all this time, like the last doctor did – twice.

“We have to take it day by day,” she said. “Watch you closely and be ready to act. Your cancer is very aggressive.”

But I’ve been given more time to keep fighting.  This is all I’ve had all along. Buying time. If I had a better immune system, maybe, but I don’t. Since the transplant in 2012 I’ve been buying time. It is just the facts.

Here is the bottom line. I still have much to do. I have made every day of my life count. I’ve been writing a book that I think is good. I’m trying to complete it and get it edited. It takes money. I’ve been writing music, pouring my heart and emotions into music, determined to help Jamie Cummings get on his feet after 13 years of letters. I have tried to teach him what I learned about life. The only legacy of value any of us leave behind when we die is the effect we have had on other people. Have we helped others become better people who the can teach their children and others who are important to them? I can’t leave this undone. I don’t have the luxury to take it slowly or waste my time. Time is precious. I spend it wisely. 

If you’ve read previous posts you know these things about me. Some of you also follow my blog My Name Is Jamie where there are also chapters you can read.  I’m almost done the second draft. I’ve been recording the music for it.

The past few months I’ve been trying to make money by opening an online store that is also connected to eBay and Facebook. It has been a tremendous amount of work – more than I thought it would be. It has cost money to learn what I need to learn. But I can’t pay an editor to work with me until I make money. I work at it every day – all day. On one aspect or another.

Can I be an example for Jamie and my granddaughter of what not to do? I have 6 other grandchildren. Will my life mean anything to them. Will they see a winner or just remember me in the past tense.

I need your help. I started a gofundme campaign. The link is at the bottom. There are a couple updates. If anyone can help. That is great. Would it be for a good cause? Even a couple dollars would help a lot. I will name all of you at the end of the book. I will give away ebooks or a book to hold for $15 or $25. Even just sharing it would help. It’s hard getting it out into the universe to people.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/surviving-after-quotinside-the-forbidden-outsidequot&rcid=r01-15634711733-97e969c5bf75409b&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m

Now I must rest.

 

 

The End Game – Poetry

hep c viris
photo source: hepfi.org

The End Game

Lurking in back of my eyes
Tasting the smells, seeing the ghosts
No matter how often I’ve tried
It reminds me where I’ve been
And how many miles I’ve gone
I tied it up in a garbage bag
And kept on walking alone

Too late, it caught up beside me
And said hi, where have you been?
It’s time to pay the price dear
You can’t run away from sin
You made a cause, the effect is now
There’s no choice, you can’t get away
You chose to play, it’s time to pay
It’s your end game, take a bow

 

by Sonni Quick ©2018

Post liver transplant /cancer survivor/2012

Also follow:  My Name is Jamie. Life in Prison

Appreciate Your Journey

This morning I received this poster from William, a man I am connected to on Messenger. About once aweek or so we exchange something – usually of a positive nature or something about society that needs to change. Today I decided to post our exchange because it is something I feel strongly about.

Think about the words on this poster. What do they mean to you? It’s not about just appreciating your life, but how it causes you to do something about the next step in your life. Life is a journey. It never stays stagnant. How do you get to the next step of where you are going – and what is the purpose? Where are you going? Do you just let life slap you around? Do you understand it is the causes you make that produce the effects in your life and YOU are responsible for that? It would be great if you could blame something or someone else for the bad shit, but you can’t. And it is what you learn through dealing with it that gets you to the next step – if your eyes are open wide enough to see it. Below is my response:

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Many people do not have enough appreciation for their lives. They take it for granted and waste the time they have to explore their own potential. There is no hunger to see what they are capable of, settling for security – if they have it – and going no farther, often stepping on other people to acquire it. The human race is so incredible and many who belong to it are such a disappointment. If we could have but a glimpse inside their psychological thinking to see how they justify to themselves the evil they do. Do they know it? Does it affect them? I’ve been on a rant the last couple days – more than usual, if that is possible.

But in the end – of our own lives – the only legacy we can leave behind that has true value is the effect we had on other lives, and did that effect make a positive difference in their lives. Many people want to be remembered in some way but being remembered Isn’t enough. It is the causes and effects of who you are that matters.

Thanks for your message today. You caught me in a philosophical frame of mind. 😒You have a great day, too.

“Second Time Around” Piano Music By Sonni Quick

Words and music by Sonni Quick

copyright 2015

SECOND TIME AROUND
Dedicated to Bryan

Find your life
gather up the pieces
Heal a broken life
forget the pain
slowly time erases
Put it back together – again
in a way that shows the world
now who you are
learn to be a friend
to those who know your worth
is so much more
than you were outside that locked door
Take the time
to think before you act
Reach and hold the hand of those
that reach their hand toward you
Don’t let your old ways
decide how you react
Use anger in a better way
to teach the chosen few

Life dealt a crushing blow
to the soul of one so young
No one to protect you
from the time your life began
It’s not easy
to be a different man
It takes more courage
than simply wanting life to change
don’t find a single reason
or try to place the blame
or the effects of all your causes
will come full circle back to you
if you react the way you learned
that action will undo
and scatter all the pieces
you’ll be lost again
Remember
No matter what life gives you
you’re stronger than before
using all your past mistakes
to learn and grow a little more
Did you know the man inside
deserves a better life
and when you finally get to walk
out through the open door
don’t look back
that’s in the past
this new life that you’ve found
is the second time around

http://facebook.com/jamielifeinprison . . .Blog posts and news about injustice in the world

Sonni Quick piano music complete list