The Ugly Color of the Rainbow – revised

THE rainbow-1467988_640UGLY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW

(explanation below)

Sadly, the people you left behind
won’t know what they will miss
Closing doors, no final looks
To determine if there was any worth to find
No matter the reason, it brings you pain
The kiss, never quite meeting the cheek
before it breezes on with nothing to gain
There will be no need to ever find out
If the person you dismiss
Was the one you didn’t know how much you’d miss
When life pulled the rug from beneath your feet
Afraid of ending life so sad and so alone
Because there was no bridge to cross
You caught your breath
The raging water looked so deep
You could barely see the other side
to see the person standing there
Who fell down weeping, head on the ground
Breathing in the smell of the dirt
and the hateful thoughts they found
When finding someone else to blame
You threw away the one who came
home and was not easy to know
But oh so very easy to let go
You grew weary of trying on your own
Your only thought was let them to go
Never thinking that the day might come
Where I might be the only one
Who really understood who you were
Oh how scared you felt
When you couldn’t find your way
You couldn’t glue together the pieces of your life
They wouldn’t stay connected
You didn’t feel you were protected
But life doesn’t care how you feel
We must gather all our strengths
No one makes it all alone
or knows the length life will go
to show you all the truths you need to know
You were convinced you had no need of me
Toss me away . . . like yesterday. . . didn’t matter
You can’t reach the top if you don’t climb the ladder
But you stopped. . . when you reached halfway
Afraid of falling, you made yourself look away
The whole truth was never important enough
You made peace with just a piece
You don’t even want to know why anymore
You can’t even take a step, it’s easier to endure
But you can’t just stuff it down
It will never go away, unless I make no sound
Then chances will disappear never to be found
No one cares, mistakes I’ve made a few
Coming home to no home I can’t undo
The chance to make amends dissolve
Into a pool of life it can’t resolve
It becomes lost just like we are
Because you stood still and it washed away
Close the door that shut out my cries
Let in the fearfulness of intended lies
That kept you locked away in fear
The truth was not at all what it appeared
The truth is not at all what it appears
Was it worth it, losing me without trying?
Not thinking causing pain only ends with dying
You believe you are not as strong as you are
Locked in a place you can’t take the first step
Fear of change, you were always afraid
of changing the same old same old
Fingers spread across your mouth, never being bold
Keep inside your mind what you are needing
So nothing changes, life keeps you grieving
What if you were wrong all along – again
I can’t be still, say I don’t care and pretend
that blood isn’t thicker than someone else’s needs
Unfinished feelings can be planted just like weeds
To grow again into an unnamed garden
Given strength no lie can crack, the outside hardened
I don’t think anyone cares about that but me
I seem to care alone and I can’t forsee
When it crawls beneath my skin
Where aging wrinkles grow
Indifference is such an ugly color of the rainbow
The future already knows
That you are reaping the cause you sowed
And how does it affect the coming days?
When we run out of time to understand
That we will do it all again, that is cause and effect
Breathing the last breath is not the time to reflect
Will anyone be there to breathe it with you?
Or breathe it with me
when you show your love for me already died
Confusing again twisted truth, how it lied
We slowly, painfully run out of time
Who else knew you since the time we were born
The moment will be gone – no one aware
We will not know when it’s time to mourn
and we will not know it was the time to care
It will be gone

~~~~~~~

In 2010 I moved back to my home state to be near family because I was deathly ill. My mother begged me to, so I’d have family to support me. Only they were not so happy I came back. Now it is 2019 and nothing changed. I won’t get into that complicated mess. I wrote quite abit about it in past years.

One family member was my older sister. Most of my life we were not friends and as adults she believed a lie without asking me if it was true. She wanted nothing to do with me. We made ammends after 2010 and told each other we wouldn’t do that again. She was the only one who supported me through my illness. But her husband was not a very good man and he had control. He succeeded in turning her against me and she cut me off once again. She felt she had to make a choice. Her husband or her sister. She couldn’t have both and I lost her again. This poem I wrote for her but I haven’t sent it to her yet.

 

Bottled Note — Ricardo Sexton

Send me in a new direction, by my own To where “footsteps” tells me, I belong With dirt under my nails & drenched hair I’m unable to inhale, locked somewhere The dreams are all in foreign language As the compass spins around aimlessly Hopefully for the way back, the bandage To follow the storms, the […]

via Bottled Note — Ricardo Sexton

After I posted my newest blog post I noticed this new poem from Ricardo Sexton and it seemed to fall in line with what I wrote about and I wanted to share it with you.

BTW I just started new business under the name NEW DIRECTION which is in the beginning of his poem. Coincidental? I doubt believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. That is the law of cause and effect.

I love Myself

I love myself

I love myself

I think I’m grand

I go to the movies

and I hold my hand.

I put my arm

around my waist

and when I’m fresh

I slap my face!

 

A little ditty my mother taught me that my grandmother taught her .

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This was an early blog post 4 years ago. The writing on my other blog, My Name is Jamie, My Life in Prison, could get mentally overpowering so I started this blog where I could lighten up or write about other things

One day my mother sang this song. I should record it. It’s cute. I laughed and laughed because I could my short grandmother,  a flapper in the roaring 20’s, aging this song. Oh how she loved to dance. She met each of her 3 husbands on the dance floor.

So I thought I would share it again today. (smile)

  

Dance With The Devil, Dance

devil-1427639_640

 

DANCE WITH THE DEVIL
Lurking in back of my eyes
Tasting the smells, seeing the ghosts
No matter how often I tried
Which memories shame me the most
It reminds me of where I’ve been
And how many miles I’ve gone
I tied it up in a garbage bag
And kept on walking alone

Too late, it caught up beside me
And said “Hi, where have you been?” 
It’s time to pay the price dear
You can’t run away from sin
You made a cause, the effect is now
There’s no choice, you can’t get away
You chose to play, it’s time to pay
It’s your end game, take a bow

It’s the game of games, winner takes all
You can’t run away, you’ll stumble and fall
If you lose there is no second chance
Dance with devil, dance dance

There is no way to get around it
Finish the hand life dealt
No matter the depth of pain it caused
No matter the fear you felt
It’s time for you to pay the price
There’s no choice, you can’t change the rules
You’re rolling the dice for your life
You can’t play me like I’m the fool

Years have passed, would you do it again
Knowing who you’ve become
Knowing how the game ends
When you thought you were having fun
Was it worth the price you had to pay
Would you do it different today
Looking in the mirror
Seeing scars that never fade

It’s the game of games, winner takes all
You can’t run away, you’ll stumble and fall
If you lose there is no second chance
Dance with the devil, dance dance
Dance with the devil, dance dance

Sonni Quick © 2019

(This is lyrics for new music)

The End Game – Poetry

hep c viris
photo source: hepfi.org

The End Game

Lurking in back of my eyes
Tasting the smells, seeing the ghosts
No matter how often I’ve tried
It reminds me where I’ve been
And how many miles I’ve gone
I tied it up in a garbage bag
And kept on walking alone

Too late, it caught up beside me
And said hi, where have you been?
It’s time to pay the price dear
You can’t run away from sin
You made a cause, the effect is now
There’s no choice, you can’t get away
You chose to play, it’s time to pay
It’s your end game, take a bow

 

by Sonni Quick ©2018

Post liver transplant /cancer survivor/2012

Also follow:  My Name is Jamie. Life in Prison

Unintended Consequences – Poetry and YouTube Video

Unintended Consequences

I never thought I’d have to live
in such a lonely place
I touch the walls on either side
I never thought I’d call this home
Memories here I can’t erase
A thousand people all alone

I never thought this was where I’d be
My life would work it out
I never dreamed my window
was the only way I’d see
the beauty of the world outside
How can I continue?

An unintended consequence
Not thinking what will be
the end result, not thinking through
Pretending I was being free
I didn’t think, I never thought
my careless choice I can’t undo

I never thought what would I crave
the most if taken away
The touch of skin, your silken breath?
Sends goosebumps up my spine
I shiver once and desire more
“You didn’t think,” I heard you cry

I only have my memories now
To keep me warm at night
I wrap my arms around my head
Pretending you are touching me
It will be years, will you be gone?
Touching someone else instead

An unintended consequence
Not thinking what will be
the end result, not thinking through
Thinking I was being free
But I didn’t think, I never thought
It would mean losing you

By Sonni Quick ©2018

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last-note-2-sm

There is a chapter in the book I am writing with the same title. The book chronicals Jamie’s life in prison and his maturing from a boy into a man. This is a true story taken from hundreds of letters we shared, along with a creative narrative joining the events together  I had to crawl inside his head to understand but after 13 years of writing to him I understand him pretty well. At the link for the chapter you can subscribe to my mailing list to get periodic updates 

Because of the sheer volume of work that needs to be done preparing this book and writing the music and videos it is hard to keep up my 2 blogs as frequently as I’d like. Thank you so much for your support.

Lonely Spaces – Poetry

TP Starburst sunset CP reservoir 2 28 15LONELY SPACES

I sense in you an open space
looking far across the miles
an ache to fill a lonely place
with just as many heartfelt smiles

When you were young your dreams were crushed
You gathered up the pieces
Fell from your hands when they were touched
The faith you had in love decreases

You tried and lost to find someone
to make you whole again
See past the faces they’re hiding from
Is it real or do they pretend?

Still you search, someday you’ll know
Life isn’t easy until you know for sure
don’t doubt the love you want will grow
In time, the reason you endure

will teach the lesson you had to learn
There’s a reason why you felt such pain
It made no sense, was it just your turn
to feel it over and over again?

Don’t doubt, lose hope, it’s another day
looking far across the miles
When the time is right you’ll find a way
That empty space, it’s filled with smiles.

©2018 Sonni Quick