The Ugly Color of the Rainbow – revised

THE rainbow-1467988_640UGLY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW

(explanation below)

Sadly, the people you left behind
won’t know what they will miss
Closing doors, no final looks
To determine if there was any worth to find
No matter the reason, it brings you pain
The kiss, never quite meeting the cheek
before it breezes on with nothing to gain
There will be no need to ever find out
If the person you dismiss
Was the one you didn’t know how much you’d miss
When life pulled the rug from beneath your feet
Afraid of ending life so sad and so alone
Because there was no bridge to cross
You caught your breath
The raging water looked so deep
You could barely see the other side
to see the person standing there
Who fell down weeping, head on the ground
Breathing in the smell of the dirt
and the hateful thoughts they found
When finding someone else to blame
You threw away the one who came
home and was not easy to know
But oh so very easy to let go
You grew weary of trying on your own
Your only thought was let them to go
Never thinking that the day might come
Where I might be the only one
Who really understood who you were
Oh how scared you felt
When you couldn’t find your way
You couldn’t glue together the pieces of your life
They wouldn’t stay connected
You didn’t feel you were protected
But life doesn’t care how you feel
We must gather all our strengths
No one makes it all alone
or knows the length life will go
to show you all the truths you need to know
You were convinced you had no need of me
Toss me away . . . like yesterday. . . didn’t matter
You can’t reach the top if you don’t climb the ladder
But you stopped. . . when you reached halfway
Afraid of falling, you made yourself look away
The whole truth was never important enough
You made peace with just a piece
You don’t even want to know why anymore
You can’t even take a step, it’s easier to endure
But you can’t just stuff it down
It will never go away, unless I make no sound
Then chances will disappear never to be found
No one cares, mistakes I’ve made a few
Coming home to no home I can’t undo
The chance to make amends dissolve
Into a pool of life it can’t resolve
It becomes lost just like we are
Because you stood still and it washed away
Close the door that shut out my cries
Let in the fearfulness of intended lies
That kept you locked away in fear
The truth was not at all what it appeared
The truth is not at all what it appears
Was it worth it, losing me without trying?
Not thinking causing pain only ends with dying
You believe you are not as strong as you are
Locked in a place you can’t take the first step
Fear of change, you were always afraid
of changing the same old same old
Fingers spread across your mouth, never being bold
Keep inside your mind what you are needing
So nothing changes, life keeps you grieving
What if you were wrong all along – again
I can’t be still, say I don’t care and pretend
that blood isn’t thicker than someone else’s needs
Unfinished feelings can be planted just like weeds
To grow again into an unnamed garden
Given strength no lie can crack, the outside hardened
I don’t think anyone cares about that but me
I seem to care alone and I can’t forsee
When it crawls beneath my skin
Where aging wrinkles grow
Indifference is such an ugly color of the rainbow
The future already knows
That you are reaping the cause you sowed
And how does it affect the coming days?
When we run out of time to understand
That we will do it all again, that is cause and effect
Breathing the last breath is not the time to reflect
Will anyone be there to breathe it with you?
Or breathe it with me
when you show your love for me already died
Confusing again twisted truth, how it lied
We slowly, painfully run out of time
Who else knew you since the time we were born
The moment will be gone – no one aware
We will not know when it’s time to mourn
and we will not know it was the time to care
It will be gone

~~~~~~~

In 2010 I moved back to my home state to be near family because I was deathly ill. My mother begged me to, so I’d have family to support me. Only they were not so happy I came back. Now it is 2019 and nothing changed. I won’t get into that complicated mess. I wrote quite abit about it in past years.

One family member was my older sister. Most of my life we were not friends and as adults she believed a lie without asking me if it was true. She wanted nothing to do with me. We made ammends after 2010 and told each other we wouldn’t do that again. She was the only one who supported me through my illness. But her husband was not a very good man and he had control. He succeeded in turning her against me and she cut me off once again. She felt she had to make a choice. Her husband or her sister. She couldn’t have both and I lost her again. This poem I wrote for her but I haven’t sent it to her yet.

 

Ravens Take to The Sky

Listen to Ravens take To The Sky by Sonni Quick #np on #SoundCloud

I have a granddaughter named Karissa Raven (Quick). It is hard when you aren’t in the life of grandchildren that live with the parent that isn’t your child. It is hard on grandmothers when your son’s baby momma doesn’t want to be in contact with you and never tells you anything that is going on in her life.

My son and the mother were young and unmarried. They tried to make it work but it was an accidental pregnancy and they had nothing in common. My son worked on the road and the mother moved far away. My son paid support until she was 18, but he wasn’t able to see her. Very complicated. She is 20 now.

I knew the mother since the time she was 18. No matter what I said she always thought I didn’t like her. Since we had no relationship and things were bad between her and my son, my grand daughter only heard her mother’s version of things. That is normal. But when you are young you don’t understand there are always two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. One story is not ever the the whole truth.

Unfortunately, the mother broke many of the court stipulations but my son couldn’t take her to court because she filed false kidnapping charges against him after she dropped the child off with him and took off on a cruise. He had to work and took her with him to his next contract, out of state,  but let her know where he was. That was how she knew where to send the police to arrest him.

They let him out of jail after about ten days. They weren’t going to pay to extradite him. But he couldn’t go into the state of California for 1O years because there was a 500k bench warrant if he was caught inside the state. After ten years they said he could come and turn himself in and he would be able to get out after 30 days when he went to court, but by then he had a family to support and couldn’t do it. So even though he had court ordered visitation, he couldn’t see her. It was sad, because he never did kidnap her. It was a way for the mom to make him suffer, and he did. The lost of his child was almost like a death.

My granddaughter cut ties with my son because he tried to tell her what her mother did because it ripped him to shreds. The last time I spoke her was about 6 years ago. She would agreed to talk to me if  “you never mention your son,” not “my father.”But I did and she hung up on me and never spoke to me again ever. I waited and waited for her to grow up. I left an occasional message on her Instagram page. No answer.

Meanwhile, my mother is getting older and in a wheelchair as is her other great grandmother. Both 86. She has an 11 and 12 year old 1/2 brother and sister she had never seen or spoken to. I’d watch her mother’s Facebook page for pictures. My heart hurt. Quite ago I left another message with her mother  asking her please ask Karissa to call and heard nothing – until about two weeks. She wrote, “I am willing to talk to Moya. ” (her 11 yr old half sister). Since then she and I  have texted some – me more than her, but the two girls talked. A connection was made. 

I did what I usually do when I’m emotional. I compose music. The title has her middle name. I sent it to her in a text today. I haven’t heard back yet. Music is the gift I can give that no one else can give. It is part of the story. It is part of me. I don’t even know what kind of music she likes so maybe it won’t mean much to her. I’m have to wait and see.

The Ugly Color in the Rainbow

Listen to Playing Through Pain by Sonni Quick #np on #SoundCloud

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The Ugly Color in the Rainbow

Sadly the people who left you behind
don’t know what they’ll miss
Closing doors, no final looks
determine there is no worth
No matter the reason,
cruelty will bring you pain
The kiss, never quite meeting the cheek
before it breezes on
There is no need to ever find out
the person you dismiss
Was the one you didn’t know
you’d need the most
When life pulled the rug
from beneath your feet
You end alone and so sad
because no bridge exists to cross
You barely see the other side
to see if maybe someone is there
You fall down weeping
Head on the ground
Breathing in the smell of the dirt
for the hateful thoughts you had
finding someone else to blame
You threw way the ones
who weren’t easy to know,
who didn’t think like you, they had to go
Never thinking the day would come
Where they might be the only one
Who really understood who you were
How scared you were
you wouldn’t find your way
As you glued together the pieces of your life
that wouldn’t stay together
Life doesn’t care how you think
as we gather in our strengths
But no one makes it all alone,
or knows the lengths life will go
to show you what you didn’t know
And you thought your life had no need of me
You didn’t learn and you will never know
Because pride stands in your way
You made yourself stay away
The truth was never important
You made peace with just a piece
You don’t understand why anymore
You can’t just stuff it down
It will never go away, but I can go away
And the chance to make amends dissolves
Into a pool of life and never resolves 
in any way. It becomes lost just like we are
Because you stood still and it washed away
The door that lets in happiness and good feelings
The superficiality of supposed lies
keeps you locked away in fear
in a place where you can’t take a first step
You give in to not changing the same old same old.
Nothing changes. Life keeps grieving
What if you were wrong all along
All the unfinished feelings are lost in time
No one else but me cares about that.
I can’t care alone and I can’t forget
It crawls underneath my skin
Indifference is such an ugly color on the rainbow
No one understands what the future brings
And how it affects the future
When we breathe that last thought and no knows
No one is there to breathe it with you
Who knew you since we were born
The moment will be gone – forever gone
We will be no more and no one will care

Keeping Time – Where Are Your Memories?

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I came across this quote today:

“Life is not the number of days you live, it’s the number of days you remember”  

I sat and thought about it for quite awhile. I have had quite a life. At 64 I think I can honestly say that I have aggressively filled it with lots of “things”. I never settled. I never let fear take hold. I lived where I wanted to live and I did the things I wanted to do. I dealt with adversity by attacking it head on. If I said I was going to do something I did, and if didn’t work out the way I hoped, it wasn’t for lack of trying, and I didn’t find excuses and justifications and made some other reason to blame.

Most of all, if someone thinks I shouldn’t do something and has nothing to add to the reasons why, than it doesn’t make me not want to do it. My motto – and I mean this – and I’ve told this to probably hundreds of people in the last 40 years:

~If you don’t like what I’m doing, don’t watch me do it~

I don’t care if someone doesn’t like what I do. My life is my life. Period. You shouldn’t try to make people change because it is something YOU wouldn’t do. I don’t do that to them. It’s okay to express your opinion, just don’t expect me to live life the way you would.

I learned many people don’t do what they want because  of fear.

1. Fear of the unknown

2. Fear of failure

3. Fear of what people will think (other people don’t think about you as often as you think they do)  

There are also people who begin something new, but have no follow through. I know a woman – a talented woman – who began many projects, from writing a book, quilting, began a business and did all the preliminary research, created stained glass, even began painting her hallway, and on and on. She quit almost every project after starting enthusiastically.

Unfinished projects. Why? Her answer was, “I’m going to get back to them someday, maybe.” She had such a wonderful creative mind, yet had no confidence in herself. I think the answer was – if she was the one who chose to stop, then it wasn’t because she had failed. She could always begin it again, but seldom did. It was her choice.  She also told me one day, “I wish nothing changed.  I wish I could stay in my house and nothing changed. I don’t want friends, because you have to maintain friendships. If I have no friends no one will expect anything of me.” (and I don’t have to be there for them, either?) 

I thought I could show her something different – that she had value. I encouraged her to believe in herself. The end result – she believed a lie someone told her (I won’t get into that) and wouldn’t talk to me about it. It gave her the excuse to kick me out of her life, ( for the second time, and the first time lasted 35 years)  and she no longer speaks to me anymore. It’s been about 4 years now, I can’t “remember” exactly when. I’ve tried to unsuccessfully squash it down. 

Some people want to disappear. I will have no more memories of her to think about and that makes me sad. I don’t know how she is doing. Some people won’t stand up for their own life. She didn’t want to have a life beyond what appeared in front of her without any effort on her part. If you choose to believe things without finding out the truth you are taking the path of least resistance. Sadly, I’m not the only person she did this to. 

At the end of her life what will she remember? And she is my sister. 

I know my style of living is not for everyone. But I realize life is short and I’m going to die at the end of it. I have wanted to fill it up with memories so when I’m decrepit I can relive my memories. My memories of her are mostly of our childhood. 

My successes, my failures, my friends – many of them are all over the world. They live in my tablet and I can visit with them whenever I want. Except for limited family and neighbors, how many people are good friends who care about you, and you see them face to face? The internet opened up the world. 

Right now I’m making plans to meet up with a young Russian man in his 20’s during a visit to America in June, when I take the train from Harrisburg to Miami on down to the Keys. I make this trek quite often and have met some very interesting people. A man traveling who makes a living betting on sports – older woman who traveled the states when she was young, picking fruits and vegetables and loved it!

My Russian friend and I have been writing and sending pictures since he was about 15 and needed advice on how to talk to a girl in school. He was also learning to play the guitar so we talked about learning music. Such fun. He was just learning English and now speaks it proficiently. He had a goal and is making his goal come true. No, I don’t equate his being Russian with the politics of Russia with the United States. 

I started this post today because I read a quote and it started me thinking about my own life. These were the thoughts that came to mind. What do you think? How do you live your life? What do you think about taking chances and doing something new? Let’s talk about it.

As an afterthought here is music I recorded about Time:

Music, videos  and photos found here at my website

Sign up to my mailing list at that website to hear about new music and videos. Many thanks to you!

 

Do You Live For Yourself – Or Others?

Do You Live For Yourself – Or Others?

 

Did you grow up in your hometown, marry young, buy a house close by and stay there for the rest of your life; or did you spread your wings and fly off, finding new places and new friends, living places you chose to move to as the opportunity presented itself and saw life as an adventure? Is one way better than the other? Look at yourself now. Did you do the right thing? Would you admit it to yourself if you didn’t? Would you go back and do something different?

I’m in my mid 60’s. I enjoy my age. I think I’ve acquired a bit more wisdom, and a heck of a lot of determination to finish life pleased with how I lived it. I climbed the mountains and survived – so far. As I look back on my life, each decade I went through was in a different place as well as a different way to survive, staying away from the conventional paycheck and instead relying on my ingenuity.

I know clearly where I was at each development of wisdom. Why me? What made me want to experience newness while the rest of my family felt comfort and security was more important because everything stayed the same? Someone I grew up with once told me she wished nothing would ever change. She’d stay in her house. She said she didn’t need any friends, they were too much bother. Was that her idea of happiness? Looking at her life now what effect did that have on our relationship? Not a good one.

What makes one person want to experience the newness that comes along in life? We have a choice to grab onto it or ignore it. Do we take the chance to make new friends or change careers, or perhaps begin a new hobby, and another person in the same family chooses the safety of only what is familiar, the comfort of routine and the predictability of sameness. Work the same job for decades even though they hated it? For the paycheck? It is worth giving up the possibly of finding a creative part of yourself just to stay in your predictable comfort zone?

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It takes all kinds of people to make the world go ’round. There isn’t one perfect way that is good for everyone. I chose long ago to not live with fear of the unknown. Any day could be my last – your last. I would rather leave this life with a smile on my face with the possibility of a new adventure on the horizon. When do you stop living with anticipation? “What if I went there and learned how to do that?”

The real definition of failure lies in never trying; crawling into your routine until you can finally justify your actions by saying, “I’m too old.”

Long ago I developed a mantra and have told it to many people along the way who also have had people in their own lives who had opinions about how they should live their life, even though it wasn’t theirs to judge. “If you don’t like what I’m doing, don’t watch me do it.” I don’t care what other people think about my life, especially when they don’t want to be part of it.

I’ve never owned a home, nor have I wanted to. I want to be able to leave when I’m ready, and I don’t want to have to repair the roof or other maintenance.

I want to be able to choose how I spend my day. Will I ever “grow up?” I seriously hope not. Life should be enjoyed. If you take care of yourself you have a better chance of not letting age bring you down where all you have to talk about with your friends are your medical problems. I will go out with a fight.

Every day you wake up is a day you can fill to the top with things of value. You are what you think. You attract people in your life who appreciate who you are.  If they don’t appreciate you get rid of them. They aren’t worth the trouble. The people I grew up with became people I couldn’t be around any more. Or rather, they couldn’t be around me. My mother told me more than once, “You scare them.” Inner strength and confidence makes some people uncomfortable. So I was kicked out of family get-togethers because maybe I’ll say something outside of the platitudes of talking about jobs and weather. I also hate gossiping about the perceived misfortunes of others.

Everyone has a choice about how they are going to live their lives. Some are waiting to die hoping for happiness later. I choose to be happy now – or die trying!

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Lonely Spaces – Poetry

TP Starburst sunset CP reservoir 2 28 15LONELY SPACES

I sense in you an open space
looking far across the miles
an ache to fill a lonely place
with just as many heartfelt smiles

When you were young your dreams were crushed
You gathered up the pieces
Fell from your hands when they were touched
The faith you had in love decreases

You tried and lost to find someone
to make you whole again
See past the faces they’re hiding from
Is it real or do they pretend?

Still you search, someday you’ll know
Life isn’t easy until you know for sure
don’t doubt the love you want will grow
In time, the reason you endure

will teach the lesson you had to learn
There’s a reason why you felt such pain
It made no sense, was it just your turn
to feel it over and over again?

Don’t doubt, lose hope, it’s another day
looking far across the miles
When the time is right you’ll find a way
That empty space, it’s filled with smiles.

©2018 Sonni Quick

What is Trust Among Family?

What is trust among family?

Painting by Robert Goldstein
Painting by Robert Goldstein

How much is it worth? What happens when it has been broken? What does it take to trust again? What if you have been accused of breaking a trust but your opinion is different? What do you do if someone demands explanations from you about your life and you feel they have no right to ask? What if they say you owe them an answer although what they ask has no impact on their life? Do you owe them?

Human relationships are often not easy. People don’t think the same nor do they make decisions for the same reasons. Do you owe it to them to change for them? I don’t think so. There are ideals I live by. I don’t expect or demand anyone to believe as I do.

I’ve mentioned often that one guideline I live by is: “If you don’t like what I’m doing, don’t watch me do it.” I make decisions based on what is good for me. Do I intentionally hurt people? Absolutely not. Each person makes their own choice about how life affects them. What if so and so doesn’t like it when their reaction is based on emotion, not reality. I would never do anything in my life because there are people close to me who find fault with me.

What if they say, “You have a choice. You can have me in your life or you can change what you’re doing.” I say, “If you make me choose you won’t like the answer. You have no right to give me ultimatums. I won’t play your game.”No one is going to threaten me with control in that way.”

So how do you know you can trust someone with what goes on in your head? How do you know if you can confide in them and they won’t find away to use it against you? Maybe they will find it too interesting to keep to themselves and get on the horn and call everyone, taking pieces of what you say and twist it into new truths that have no relation to the truth as you see it?

I’ve had that happen too often. Family is often the worst for thinking they have the right to abuse you. Once they believe their new truth is the real truth, it becomes the only truth. Your own truth isn’t allowed. They don’t want their truth smashed because then they might need to say “I’m sorry,” and that isn’t going to happen. Protecting their own ego is more important. They have to be right. The human being who gets hurt is collateral damage – and acceptable – to them.

How much of who you are belongs to other people? Do they have right to dissect you, judge you and spit you out in anger because they feel you have no right to put yourself first? Therefore, you are a horrible person and they’ll make you suffer.

No one is ever completely blameless and no one carries all the blame. Demanding answers to give yourself justification of your anger, because they aren’t the answers you want and you know it ahead of time, you can then continue to punish the person with whom you are angry. You feel you have the right. 

It also makes me question, what is love? Why do I think family is supposed to love me? I guess it is just an old fashioned idea I had that has been pretty much destroyed. Family love often seems to be used as a dagger. It isn’t a “feel good” feeling so much of the time. Is it the same kind of love we feel for others who brings a smile to our face? Is it really love at all – or is it toleration? What would happen if they decided in the future that they have changed their mind and wanted me in their lives, or maybe they need me because they have no one? Should I allow it? Is it okay to tell them to take a flying leap off a tall bridge? Can I be as petty as they have been? 

It’s just plan unsettling to live in my home area and have quite a few family members live all around me and be treated as though I have a leprosy. No Thanksgiving or Christmas invites.  No birthdays or holidays. Why? Because they chose to believe gossip and innuendos and never once asked me if it was true.  No piece of the pie of truth belongs to me?

I became the place to dump their sarcasm and name calling. Extremely bad manners.  I got tired of asking my sister to talk about it.  It was easier to pretend I didn’t exist.  She gets an ugly look on her face.  I never have a camera when I need one. I was told to cut them out of my life and not let it bother me anymore.  I’m trying. I started telling people the family I grew up with was dead.  They died in a plane crash.  I’ve been trying to work through this for awhile now but I still can’t seem to not let it bother me. I used to think they were good people.  I don’t anymore.  I don’t understand how people – who have Christian kitsch all over the place and who talk about how much they love Jesus can be so mean. I guess they need to put on a Christian face because that is what they want others to believe. I don’t think they apply the teaching to their daily life. The only important thing is going to heaven when the die.  What happens while they live doesn’t matter so much.

What a vicious cycle.