The Ugly Color of the Rainbow – revised

THE rainbow-1467988_640UGLY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW

(explanation below)

Sadly, the people you left behind
won’t know what they will miss
Closing doors, no final looks
To determine if there was any worth to find
No matter the reason, it brings you pain
The kiss, never quite meeting the cheek
before it breezes on with nothing to gain
There will be no need to ever find out
If the person you dismiss
Was the one you didn’t know how much you’d miss
When life pulled the rug from beneath your feet
Afraid of ending life so sad and so alone
Because there was no bridge to cross
You caught your breath
The raging water looked so deep
You could barely see the other side
to see the person standing there
Who fell down weeping, head on the ground
Breathing in the smell of the dirt
and the hateful thoughts they found
When finding someone else to blame
You threw away the one who came
home and was not easy to know
But oh so very easy to let go
You grew weary of trying on your own
Your only thought was let them to go
Never thinking that the day might come
Where I might be the only one
Who really understood who you were
Oh how scared you felt
When you couldn’t find your way
You couldn’t glue together the pieces of your life
They wouldn’t stay connected
You didn’t feel you were protected
But life doesn’t care how you feel
We must gather all our strengths
No one makes it all alone
or knows the length life will go
to show you all the truths you need to know
You were convinced you had no need of me
Toss me away . . . like yesterday. . . didn’t matter
You can’t reach the top if you don’t climb the ladder
But you stopped. . . when you reached halfway
Afraid of falling, you made yourself look away
The whole truth was never important enough
You made peace with just a piece
You don’t even want to know why anymore
You can’t even take a step, it’s easier to endure
But you can’t just stuff it down
It will never go away, unless I make no sound
Then chances will disappear never to be found
No one cares, mistakes I’ve made a few
Coming home to no home I can’t undo
The chance to make amends dissolve
Into a pool of life it can’t resolve
It becomes lost just like we are
Because you stood still and it washed away
Close the door that shut out my cries
Let in the fearfulness of intended lies
That kept you locked away in fear
The truth was not at all what it appeared
The truth is not at all what it appears
Was it worth it, losing me without trying?
Not thinking causing pain only ends with dying
You believe you are not as strong as you are
Locked in a place you can’t take the first step
Fear of change, you were always afraid
of changing the same old same old
Fingers spread across your mouth, never being bold
Keep inside your mind what you are needing
So nothing changes, life keeps you grieving
What if you were wrong all along – again
I can’t be still, say I don’t care and pretend
that blood isn’t thicker than someone else’s needs
Unfinished feelings can be planted just like weeds
To grow again into an unnamed garden
Given strength no lie can crack, the outside hardened
I don’t think anyone cares about that but me
I seem to care alone and I can’t forsee
When it crawls beneath my skin
Where aging wrinkles grow
Indifference is such an ugly color of the rainbow
The future already knows
That you are reaping the cause you sowed
And how does it affect the coming days?
When we run out of time to understand
That we will do it all again, that is cause and effect
Breathing the last breath is not the time to reflect
Will anyone be there to breathe it with you?
Or breathe it with me
when you show your love for me already died
Confusing again twisted truth, how it lied
We slowly, painfully run out of time
Who else knew you since the time we were born
The moment will be gone – no one aware
We will not know when it’s time to mourn
and we will not know it was the time to care
It will be gone

~~~~~~~

In 2010 I moved back to my home state to be near family because I was deathly ill. My mother begged me to, so I’d have family to support me. Only they were not so happy I came back. Now it is 2019 and nothing changed. I won’t get into that complicated mess. I wrote quite abit about it in past years.

One family member was my older sister. Most of my life we were not friends and as adults she believed a lie without asking me if it was true. She wanted nothing to do with me. We made ammends after 2010 and told each other we wouldn’t do that again. She was the only one who supported me through my illness. But her husband was not a very good man and he had control. He succeeded in turning her against me and she cut me off once again. She felt she had to make a choice. Her husband or her sister. She couldn’t have both and I lost her again. This poem I wrote for her but I haven’t sent it to her yet.

 

Ravens Take to The Sky

Listen to Ravens take To The Sky by Sonni Quick #np on #SoundCloud

I have a granddaughter named Karissa Raven (Quick). It is hard when you aren’t in the life of grandchildren that live with the parent that isn’t your child. It is hard on grandmothers when your son’s baby momma doesn’t want to be in contact with you and never tells you anything that is going on in her life.

My son and the mother were young and unmarried. They tried to make it work but it was an accidental pregnancy and they had nothing in common. My son worked on the road and the mother moved far away. My son paid support until she was 18, but he wasn’t able to see her. Very complicated. She is 20 now.

I knew the mother since the time she was 18. No matter what I said she always thought I didn’t like her. Since we had no relationship and things were bad between her and my son, my grand daughter only heard her mother’s version of things. That is normal. But when you are young you don’t understand there are always two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. One story is not ever the the whole truth.

Unfortunately, the mother broke many of the court stipulations but my son couldn’t take her to court because she filed false kidnapping charges against him after she dropped the child off with him and took off on a cruise. He had to work and took her with him to his next contract, out of state,  but let her know where he was. That was how she knew where to send the police to arrest him.

They let him out of jail after about ten days. They weren’t going to pay to extradite him. But he couldn’t go into the state of California for 1O years because there was a 500k bench warrant if he was caught inside the state. After ten years they said he could come and turn himself in and he would be able to get out after 30 days when he went to court, but by then he had a family to support and couldn’t do it. So even though he had court ordered visitation, he couldn’t see her. It was sad, because he never did kidnap her. It was a way for the mom to make him suffer, and he did. The lost of his child was almost like a death.

My granddaughter cut ties with my son because he tried to tell her what her mother did because it ripped him to shreds. The last time I spoke her was about 6 years ago. She would agreed to talk to me if  “you never mention your son,” not “my father.”But I did and she hung up on me and never spoke to me again ever. I waited and waited for her to grow up. I left an occasional message on her Instagram page. No answer.

Meanwhile, my mother is getting older and in a wheelchair as is her other great grandmother. Both 86. She has an 11 and 12 year old 1/2 brother and sister she had never seen or spoken to. I’d watch her mother’s Facebook page for pictures. My heart hurt. Quite ago I left another message with her mother  asking her please ask Karissa to call and heard nothing – until about two weeks. She wrote, “I am willing to talk to Moya. ” (her 11 yr old half sister). Since then she and I  have texted some – me more than her, but the two girls talked. A connection was made. 

I did what I usually do when I’m emotional. I compose music. The title has her middle name. I sent it to her in a text today. I haven’t heard back yet. Music is the gift I can give that no one else can give. It is part of the story. It is part of me. I don’t even know what kind of music she likes so maybe it won’t mean much to her. I’m have to wait and see.

Who Do I See In The Stainless Steel Mirror?

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Listen to Who Do I See in the Stainless Steel Mirror by Sonni Quick #np on #SoundCloud

This is my newest music for a chapter in my book  “Inside The Forbidden Outside”.

 

All of the music I record is improvised “off the top of my head.” It is relatively easy. With practice and time most anyone to learn how to play the piano. Learning to read notes and where they are played on the piano can be taught. Even how to play with certain kinds of touches, such as striking the keys hard or soft because it is shown with different symbols on the music. But that doesn’t mean the student has a talent for music interpretation, just like a dancer learning ballet may or may not have the gift of dance, or an artist born with the gift of interpreting life through a pencil or paint.

I started out in life having to learn how to read music as a young child and I wasn’t a good student. I was too headstrong about how I wanted to play a piece of music. I had the discipline to teach myself a lot of what I know. I always knew playing the piano would be an important part of my life. I hear many piano players who are much better players than I am and some have incredible technique and I envy their skill. But if you took away their music, what would they play? There are also wonderful improv players out there who don’t understand music yet can play beautiful music.

When I record a new piece I have no idea what I’m going pay, or even they key I’m going to play in. If I “try” to force it, it doesn’t work. I start with an emotion. I record because I have an urge to play  I’ve gotten out of bed to play and record. I always record when I play because I can’t repeat what I do. You hear it, mistakes and all. I sit down and turn on my piano and press the record button – and just – play. My hands interpret the feelings I have.

Sonni Quick hands on the piano keyboard

Later, when I play it back I try to understand how my hands knew where to go. I look at my hands. They are getting old. Age spots are appearing.  I used to want to hide them in photos of me playing the piano. Music is, and always has been centered on the youth. I used to be young and the youth today will get old. We need to stop centering life on one category of people and join together. That is why Indie music is so important.

These hands have experienced everything I’ve been through, and they aren’t fine making music yet.  There is wisdom and magic in them. I imagine the keys on the piano and I wonder, where did that come from? Why did I play the keys I did?

When I was little I wanted to play the most beautiful music in the world, although I couldn’t say what that was. And I’m not saying that is what it is now, but it’s getting closer. I don’t think we come to the end of our creativity because of our age, although health could interfere. I think we chose to stop our creativity because we think we are getting old. Some of the best musicians out there are “Dinosaurs” old(er) musicians  But it doesn’t matter what we look like – it is the sound of music we play.

I started a Facebook group called, Dinosaur Musicians  If you know anyone who fits the bill and they are still recording music and would like another place to upload it, tell them about it.

If you’d like to hear more of music – streaming it with your eyes closed at night is best, go to my website sonniquick.net

Go to My Name is Jamie to read a bit of the book. Follow me by email to get new posts about the book and music.

Please support me in my efforts. I also have a Facebook music page found at: http://facebook.com/sonniquickspiano 

http://soundcloud.com/sonni-quick

http://reverbnation.com/sonniquick 

And look me up on YouTube: Sonni Quick Improv Piano  I have 20 music videos I created using some great software.

Like the pages, follow me, and leave a comment that you saw me at this blog. I don’t have a management team. All I have is you.

Have a great week! Sonni

Dreams of Dreaming

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I’ve been working endless hours lately trying to fit everything in and get my two online stores open – which I did.  I want to encourage you to go.  I am adding new product all the time and I really need your support. The easiest thing to do is go to Facebook and in the search bar put Watch and Whirl.  ( I will later add the store to this blog, too).  I don’t have a separate URL for the Facebook store yet until I get my sales tax ID, but it is still open for business.  If you like and share the page it will help Facebook to increase my organic reach of how many people they will show it to for free.  Ads get pricey, so getting likes and follows really helps in the long run.

I have music instruments, household goodies like really neat rugs, Tiffany style lamps and windows, frangrances and all kinds of items in the Misc Goodies section. and if you have a little girl – and awesome purse for Easter or Spring!

If you are interested I will write a post later and tell you all the steps I took to get started if you’d like to do this yourself.

I did finish a new piece of music  and I want to share that with you and post it before I fall asleep and get caught up in another day. I hope you enjoy.

This is a soundtrack for a chapter in the book I am writing – Inside The Forbidden Outside. The chapter takes place inside a lucid dream.

I am an avid dreamer. Every night, every time I wake I am in a dream. I can get up, use the bathroom, go back to bed and pick up the same dream.  I can also sometimes make myself continue to stay asleep so I can continue to dream until I am done with it.  Can anyone else do that?

Go to my music website and subscribe to my mailing list, which I send once a month so you won’t miss the new music I record. sonniquick.net

The Ugly Color in the Rainbow

Listen to Playing Through Pain by Sonni Quick #np on #SoundCloud

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The Ugly Color in the Rainbow

Sadly the people who left you behind
don’t know what they’ll miss
Closing doors, no final looks
determine there is no worth
No matter the reason,
cruelty will bring you pain
The kiss, never quite meeting the cheek
before it breezes on
There is no need to ever find out
the person you dismiss
Was the one you didn’t know
you’d need the most
When life pulled the rug
from beneath your feet
You end alone and so sad
because no bridge exists to cross
You barely see the other side
to see if maybe someone is there
You fall down weeping
Head on the ground
Breathing in the smell of the dirt
for the hateful thoughts you had
finding someone else to blame
You threw way the ones
who weren’t easy to know,
who didn’t think like you, they had to go
Never thinking the day would come
Where they might be the only one
Who really understood who you were
How scared you were
you wouldn’t find your way
As you glued together the pieces of your life
that wouldn’t stay together
Life doesn’t care how you think
as we gather in our strengths
But no one makes it all alone,
or knows the lengths life will go
to show you what you didn’t know
And you thought your life had no need of me
You didn’t learn and you will never know
Because pride stands in your way
You made yourself stay away
The truth was never important
You made peace with just a piece
You don’t understand why anymore
You can’t just stuff it down
It will never go away, but I can go away
And the chance to make amends dissolves
Into a pool of life and never resolves 
in any way. It becomes lost just like we are
Because you stood still and it washed away
The door that lets in happiness and good feelings
The superficiality of supposed lies
keeps you locked away in fear
in a place where you can’t take a first step
You give in to not changing the same old same old.
Nothing changes. Life keeps grieving
What if you were wrong all along
All the unfinished feelings are lost in time
No one else but me cares about that.
I can’t care alone and I can’t forget
It crawls underneath my skin
Indifference is such an ugly color on the rainbow
No one understands what the future brings
And how it affects the future
When we breathe that last thought and no knows
No one is there to breathe it with you
Who knew you since we were born
The moment will be gone – forever gone
We will be no more and no one will care

The Day My Ear Left Home – Skin Cancer Won

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Skin cancer – in my case Squamas Cel Carcinoma (video included) sometimes we don’t take it serious enough. During my hospital stays at Penn State Hershey Hospital when I had my liver transplant one of my doctors told me there were more people dying of skin cancer in the hospital than any other single reason. It was mostly from melanoma because it gets inside the body and it can’t be successfully treated. They make them comfortable. That is scary.

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I didn’t realize how attached I was to my ear until I knew for sure I wasn’t going to be able to keep it, after all these years. I had no choice. I didn’t really think about my ear all that much over the years except as a place to hang earrings or as a  place to balance the other arm off my glasses. Now What was I going to do?
     I had a surgery in September 2018 and a pie wedge was cut out and my ear sewn together, now smaller but still looking like an ear. A skin cancer had formed on the back side. I’m on transplant medication for a liver transplant and was told skin cancer was very likely due to a suppressed immune system.
     I had other cancers cut out of my forehead and top of my head years earlier, but the cancer grew back on my ear almost immediately. So now they cut off everything but the lobe!! At least I can wear earrings – later.

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     They did two skin grafts to kinda sorta make an ear so I can wear glasses, but trust me, it looks like an animal chewed it off. Now I’m have grieving issues missing my ear that I had not fully appreciated having.
     Now I’ll have to shave the side of my head and have 30 rounds of radiation – but no chemo. THANK GOODNESS!
     So I’ll shave both sides of my head, leaving bare a couple inches around my ear(s) which will leave me with a kind of Mohawk, cut short. I threatened my husband I’d dye is purple or green. It will be short enough to grow back fast. What the heck, will I ever act my age!!

NOT A CHANCE! That is no fun, and why start now?

     So, the moral of the story is: don’t think you don’t need sunscreen!! My son works on boats at a marina. He nixxed sunscreen because sweating and sunscreen don’t mix. But now he says he will change. He has to at least wear clear Zinc on his nose and ears.
     All the other people in the Dr office waiting room had bulbous dressings somewhere on their face just like mine. A man had one covering his nose. Oh dear!

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     Fortunately, I had a old pair of broken glasses. The left arm broke off and it was my left that was cut. They still balance pretty good with one arm, otherwise I didn’t know what I was going to do.
     I was given needles of lidocaine for these surgeries. They are painful, like a succession of bee stings. I can’t imagine a needle numbing my nose. Ouch!! It makes my eyes water just thinking about it. But I get a bunch of needles in my ear and in the skin on my head around the ear and on my chest where they did two skin grafts.
     The other weird think was HEARING the sissors cut through the cartilage, and hearing him sewing the stitches and pulling it through the skin! Fortunately the doctor was young (37) and good looking with a great smile. That at least helped the process.

Skin cancer is no joke. It’s amazing that some people still think they are invincible and bake in the sun or use tanning beds. I did, too, for one year 34 years ago and I got out of the sun a long time ago.
     My generation didn’t know. We used iodine and baby oil to bake ourselves like a chicken in the oven. I don’t think the word “ultraviolet rays” even existed in the 60’s and 70’s.
     I’m going to put a photo here to drive the point home to those of you who don’t use sunscreen and think you’ll be just fine, but I’ll use a healed one from the first stage of this cancer surgery. It was in two steps.

Step 1.  cut off the ear and cover with a skin graft taken from my chest. 

Step 2.  use the skin graft to sorta make an ear and
do a 2nd skin graft to cover up behind the ear so the new ear won’t stick to the open skin.

One last point. A few years ago a good friend of mine died because of cancer most likely caused the same way mine was. She had a kidney transplant umpteen years earlier and had been fighting cancer for quite a few years. She lost the battle. She was on the same anti- rejection medication I am on for my liver transplant. I’ve had one medical crisis after another, but I’m not done yet. I have a lot of living to do!

The Life of a Work-a-Holic

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I’m a workaholic. I get addicted to most everything I do – and I love it – except now I’m really busy because I don’t let things go – most of the time. And where are all the bloggers who have followed me over 4+ years. I guess they got bored with their blogs  Most people don’t follow through with things like this because their is no one to encourage them and they gradually stop. It was fun at first  watching to see how many people followed them, but they moved on.

I did some rummaging around pulling up, or trying to pull up, the blogs of past bloggers who have followed me. They aren’t there! The number of blogs still active, at least from early blogs is  . . . very  . . . very . . . small.

I now some people have lots of instant likes on their blogs, when I go to the WordPress reader that shows blogs that just posted, and I’d wager that their blog is the main thing they do on line and most of their views come from bloggers. Nothing wrong with that at all. But when I pull up an old post and go to the blogs of people who liked it – those blogs are rarely active anymore.

But this blog is but one site of many sites I have to tap into and maintain as often as I can. And I will continue blogging. It is a way to tap into my other sites, like my music website sonniquick.net 

From there you can see all of my Youtube music videos, or find my channel with a simple search of Sonni Quick Piano Improv. It’s also sometimes easier just to Google my name and see what comes up.

Most of the people who read what I write come from Google searches and I try to connect them with everything I do.  Quite oftenII have 2-3 devices open at one time so I can listen to music of other musicians I follow, write what every I’m writing at the moment and check in with business stuff.

I try to build my blogging friends, but it’s hard to go back and consistently follow their blogs, no matter how much I like their blog, but I try. And when do I do my own reading? When do I write music? I keep a very tight accept and keep going until I can no longer stay awake. Then I sleep for five hours and begin again.

Well, I better get back to work. Don’t forget to read some of my book chapters and subscribe to ITFO NEWS at my other blog – My Name Is Jamie – see ya there!