The Road I Traveled

growing older

THE ROAD I TRAVELED

Living and making it count ’til the end
Knowing it matters. Not giving up
It’s easy to say I’m sorry, my friend
Sometimes I’m tired. I’ve been through enough
But I can’t give up now, I fought to be here
I promised myself I had much more to give
I had to make the most of these years
Or what was the reason for wanting to live?

The longer I live I see in my mind
The road I traveled that brought me to where
I could see down the road to dreams I would find
One foot, than another will take me there.

No one told me living was easy
If I had known the troubles to come
Would I change? Would I choose to be me
There are roads far more traveled. Would I have begun?
Knowing time is not on my side

no one would care if I laid down my dreams
I’m still young, my mind inside of me lied
Don’t lay down no matter how easy it seems

The longer I live I see in my mind
the road I traveled that brought me to where
I can see where I’m going and dreams I would find
One foot than another has taken me there.

Sonni Quick copyright 2017

handwriting music

 

Sexual Predators Everywhere

Because of all the women – and men coming forth about sexual harassment and abuse we should not pass over trump’s own bragging about taking women whenever he wanted – because he had “star” status. White men (predominantly) in a position of power could retaliate against anyone who came forth, either by denial, humiliation or loss of job/career. So people shut up. Look at the high ranking people at FOX who still deny what they did, although Bill O’ Reilly forked out $32,000,000 paying off one woman.

Bill Cosby admitted drugging women to rape them when they were unconscious. Look how hard it has been to convict him. Why? Because he has money and fame.

A rich white man is ordered to have counselling after being caught diddling his infant daughter. Why? Because prison would have been too hard on him.

But a recent list of powerful men has finally caused a backlash. Politicians have resigned. Kevin Spacey lost his netflix series and a movie. People knew! All along people knew what these men were doing and NO ONE did anything to stop them.

Billy Bush joked right along with Trump as though it was some kind of joke. Trump made light of it by calling it “locker room” talk. But it wasn’t talk was it? He was talking about things he did – not what he was pretending he wanted to do. And his female supporters went along with it. They gave him excuses. That makes them pretty darn low class themselves to condone this behavior.

I want you to watch this video again, a year later, and tell me if you think. he should be let off the hook or whether he should come under scrutiny the way Bill Clinton did. Everyone jumped on him because he insisted he didn’t have sex with “that woman.” It ruined her life for years. A young woman infatuated with the president and he, an older man, couldn’t keep his pecker in his pants.

Anything less than a public courtroom means there are two standards for two different men. That makes the American people, the conservative Christian American people to be severe hypocrites of the worst kind – quoting what God says and what God means and that God is love, but he doesn’t linc If you believe that, you have to believe God doesn’t want women to be sexually abused by a anyone’s who thinks he has the right to stick his hand up the dress of a woman and get away with it. It’s vile and it’s crude. It needs to be stopped. There needs to be a price to pay. He don’t deserve our respect – Mr. PRESIDENT.

Within Her – Mom Life

She is radiant… She is pure…. She is everything….

via Within Her (a poem) — Mom Life

 

 

To raise a child that isn’t “perfect”, according to society’s standards, forces the parents who are expecting that perfect person to re evaluate what it means to be a perfect child. Any preconceived ideas of how to be a parent are thrown out the window in order to allow their child to grow to become the best they can be. Parent and child grow together – not without difficulty and not without a lot of patience.

When I was raising my children I know that most of the time I saw them as children. I knew they would grow up but I didn’t really see them in my head as adults. I was too busy trying to get through my day, and their day.

Now my children are in the age 40 range with children out of high school and living their lives. My stepson, because time was spent to allow him to become who he wanted be, and was supported through school to bring out the talents he was born with, was able to become the man he is today. I’m very proud of him. I was privileged to be Mom Sonni.

I love you Jonathan!

Opportunities Missed from Excluded Voices

https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F318707176%3Fsecret_token%3Ds-IEViL&color=2aa790&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false

via Joan Shigekawa – A message on Opportunities Missed from Excluded Voices — Design and Exclusion

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I found this post today and thought it was worth sharing. This is an issue that is playing out in the media, including the very negative white privilege standpoint of the resurgence of the KKK – minus the hoods because they aren’t hiding anymore. The “white man” is terrified of becoming obsolete and losing their top of the food chain position that allows them to control everything.

The white man makes sure women are are controlled – demeaned in the work place, paid less and become objects of sexual gratification while destroying them when it was suggested they would do such a thing. I recently read a list of men who have been sexual predators and I’m still shocked. Women are standing up. Women have been silenced, or fired so men can keep their coveted top dog position. And I yes, I know this doesn’t include all men.

Everyone of all races – everyone who doesn’t declare themselves to be Christian, whether they are or not, is pressed down by the use of so-called biblical law. White men leading the rage against abortion. White men who say women are too stupid to make decisions about their own bodies. Control. Control. Control. White men decide it’s okay to destroy our food with chemicals. White men run Monsanto and once again we’re to confuted by food labels. White men are now deciding climate change isn’t real because they are in bed with with the oil companies. White men have decided ALL of our wars.

Only white men are good enough for certain professions as if only they have the brain capacity to do the job. It is the collective white male ego that can’t fathom working for a women. For years a strong woman was considered to be a bitch but a strong man was a good leader. And if that boss was Black or Hispanic or a Black or Hispanic woman (God forbid!) it wouldn’t go down easy, if it happened at all.

But this is what is drilled into a white boy’s head who was born to middle or upper class families. It is was they learn. It is what they see. It is what they expect. To change a class of people to think differently – to think of all people being equal isn’t going to happen, at least in my lifetime. They won’t give up control easily.

They control and use the Christian religion against the people. They control politics and the making of laws to benefit the corporations who own the prisons where they control black men disproportionately. They control their ability to get an education and support their families. They control the media and say what they want – lie – to make people believe things that aren’t true. White men control everything and other people, including their wives, come second.

And with their power they think they have the right to sexually abuse women, and so often the white judge blames the woman. “Look how you’re dressed.” “You probably flirted with him.” “He says it was consensual.” So women hated to come forward and be humiliated. How can the man who now sits in the oval office – admittedly an abuser who said because he was a star he could just take what he wanted – and got away with it! All the women were lying.

There are too many men not held accountable. Too often when women and minorities are not balancing out the voice of only the white men. It takes all people from all walks of life to participate in creating a world that is good for everyone so we all have place at the table.

Do you think it will happen?

What is Trust Among Family?

What is trust among family?

Painting by Robert Goldstein
Painting by Robert Goldstein

How much is it worth? What happens when it has been broken? What does it take to trust again? What if you have been accused of breaking a trust but your opinion is different? What do you do if someone demands explanations from you about your life and you feel they have no right to ask? What if they say you owe them an answer although what they ask has no impact on their life? Do you owe them?

Human relationships are often not easy. People don’t think the same nor do they make decisions for the same reasons. Do you owe it to them to change for them? I don’t think so. There are ideals I live by. I don’t expect or demand anyone to believe as I do.

I’ve mentioned often that one guideline I live by is: “If you don’t like what I’m doing, don’t watch me do it.” I make decisions based on what is good for me. Do I intentionally hurt people? Absolutely not. Each person makes their own choice about how life affects them. What if so and so doesn’t like it when their reaction is based on emotion, not reality. I would never do anything in my life because there are people close to me who find fault with me.

What if they say, “You have a choice. You can have me in your life or you can change what you’re doing.” I say, “If you make me choose you won’t like the answer. You have no right to give me ultimatums. I won’t play your game.”No one is going to threaten me with control in that way.”

So how do you know you can trust someone with what goes on in your head? How do you know if you can confide in them and they won’t find away to use it against you? Maybe they will find it too interesting to keep to themselves and get on the horn and call everyone, taking pieces of what you say and twist it into new truths that have no relation to the truth as you see it?

I’ve had that happen too often. Family is often the worst for thinking they have the right to abuse you. Once they believe their new truth is the real truth, it becomes the only truth. Your own truth isn’t allowed. They don’t want their truth smashed because then they might need to say “I’m sorry,” and that isn’t going to happen. Protecting their own ego is more important. They have to be right. The human being who gets hurt is collateral damage – and acceptable – to them.

How much of who you are belongs to other people? Do they have right to dissect you, judge you and spit you out in anger because they feel you have no right to put yourself first? Therefore, you are a horrible person and they’ll make you suffer.

No one is ever completely blameless and no one carries all the blame. Demanding answers to give yourself justification of your anger, because they aren’t the answers you want and you know it ahead of time, you can then continue to punish the person with whom you are angry. You feel you have the right. 

It also makes me question, what is love? Why do I think family is supposed to love me? I guess it is just an old fashioned idea I had that has been pretty much destroyed. Family love often seems to be used as a dagger. It isn’t a “feel good” feeling so much of the time. Is it the same kind of love we feel for others who brings a smile to our face? Is it really love at all – or is it toleration? What would happen if they decided in the future that they have changed their mind and wanted me in their lives, or maybe they need me because they have no one? Should I allow it? Is it okay to tell them to take a flying leap off a tall bridge? Can I be as petty as they have been? 

It’s just plan unsettling to live in my home area and have quite a few family members live all around me and be treated as though I have a leprosy. No Thanksgiving or Christmas invites.  No birthdays or holidays. Why? Because they chose to believe gossip and innuendos and never once asked me if it was true.  No piece of the pie of truth belongs to me?

I became the place to dump their sarcasm and name calling. Extremely bad manners.  I got tired of asking my sister to talk about it.  It was easier to pretend I didn’t exist.  She gets an ugly look on her face.  I never have a camera when I need one. I was told to cut them out of my life and not let it bother me anymore.  I’m trying. I started telling people the family I grew up with was dead.  They died in a plane crash.  I’ve been trying to work through this for awhile now but I still can’t seem to not let it bother me. I used to think they were good people.  I don’t anymore.  I don’t understand how people – who have Christian kitsch all over the place and who talk about how much they love Jesus can be so mean. I guess they need to put on a Christian face because that is what they want others to believe. I don’t think they apply the teaching to their daily life. The only important thing is going to heaven when the die.  What happens while they live doesn’t matter so much.

What a vicious cycle.

Golden Tears For Golden Years

Golden Tears for Golden Years. I thought getting old was a long time in the future. Aging happened to old people, not me. My life changed for me after my liver transplant in 2012. I understood how precious life was. We have a choice as we age.  We can get old on the inside and the outside or we can continue to grow and expand how we think about life, regardless if the outside skin ages. If we think we are old then we aren’t going to try new things and reach for things we want to do because we think we are too old.  Being old in our mind makes us appear older on the outside.

I’ve done a lot in my life.  Not everything was successful. But if you never try you know without a doubt that you will not succeed at anything.  Is there a point where you should stop trying? If you are able? That is a waste of the few years we have. People often grow old too fast.  They fear the unknown and settle for what is “safe”. It’s easier.  I see many unhappy older people. We do reach a point where it becomes impossible. Health gets bad.  Things we knew we should have stopped doing – but kept on doing, with the attitude of, “You gotta go somehow,” becomes a reality. 

Depositphotos_18546511_s-2015

The older we get the more people we lose and the more alone we get. We don’t think about these things until it becomes too late.  It becomes a matter of living out each day until we get old enough to die ourselves. I live in a senior community.  I see it all around me. I see it in family who won’t change the way they eat even though they know if they continue it will shorten their life. 

I did things that ended up making me sick.  It came very close to ending my life, but I pulled through.  I’m not in the best of health.  Some days are a major push to get through. I can give into this and let it be the focal point of my life or I can “see” a different future. I can’t make anyone do what I think they should do, even if I am right. And I can’t live my life the way others think I should.

So here I am, in my 60’s.  Not young, not old, but coming up on the far side of middle age. I am using what time I have left doing what makes me happy.  I can’t make anyone else happy.  They have to figure that out for themselves. Financially I am not secure. Living on disability is barely working.  I lost my living when I got sick. I need to make more money and the only way I can do that is writing music and writing words.  I need to go through the insecurities and fear of failure and focus on what I need to do and trust it is the right thing. 

That is the meaning of the title of this piece of music. When we are young we have our whole life ahead of us, even though some die young they rarely know it is coming.  Youth have had very few personal disappointments from career choices and few relationship failures.  They haven’t yet raised a family.  Options of what to do is great.

At my age I do have things that bring tears to my eyes; disappointments that are hard to deal with; people who change and become unrecognizable and health that falls apart because either we don’t take care of it or we think we can start taking care of it at a later date.  I want to use the years I have left thinking of what I want to do that makes me happy. I’m coming up on my golden years and I want to make the most of it. 

It is not about what I look like, it is about who I’ve become which then shows in the music I create – that comes from the experiences I’ve had in my life. I am leaving a footprint of who I am that can be listened to or read after I am gone. My great great grandchildren? Maybe one will be a keyboard player or musician of some other kind who will learn who I am through my music. That music can live on.

 

Sonni Quick at SoundCloud – Stories Without Words

Reverbnation

Sonni Quick’s Piano Improv Music at Facebook

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Know Your Worth Even If Other People Don’t.

someone-did-you-wrong
Wow this sure does hit the nail on the head. I used this saying once before. It bears repeating. I think many people have at last one person in their lives who thinks they know who you are and couldn’t be more wrong and they aren’t interested in finding out the truth. Their truth allows them to continue to be negative. I think some people are so unhappy it causes them satisfaction to put others down. I’ve decided it’s best to put them out of my life, even if they are family.

I came across this saying this evening and thought, “I could not have said this in a more perfect way.” I’m going through a situation in my life right now where some people in my life are being very negative, which is not the way I choose to think or the way I behave, and definitely not the way I treat people. But instead of addressing the situation and talking about it, it is easier to blame the other person for causing them to feel they needed to be maligned.

If someone behaves in a way that causes hurt, even if it wasn’t intended it is one thing. If they meant to cause hurt, that is worse. But, assuming it wasn’t intended and you let them know what they did was hurtful, and the other party attacks instead of saying “I’m sorry” because the feel no remorse that you were hurt – I don’t understand how someone can do that.

Wouldn’t you feel bad if you hurt someone because you didn’t think about the effect of your words or actions? I think most people would. What kind of person is it that wouldn’t care? Should you keep trying or chalk up you’re losses? It takes two people to have a relationship. What if it was your family? What would you do? Seriously, I am asking that question. Has anyone else ever had someone like that in their life? Can anyone explain that kind of behavior to me? Should I have never said anything and pretended it was all okay?  I did that for months and said nothing and realized I am not the kind of person who stuffs things I don’t want to address.  Was I supposed to sweep it under the rug and “get over it?” How do people learn if no one helps them understand common decency? Would the behavior be repeated to other people? I think it is best to be up front and maybe there is something to be learned.

If I do something wrong and it has unintended consequences and I see I was out of line, I don’t make them feel it is their fault. How would you react to that?

It doesn’t matter if this person values me or not. It doesn’t change who I am or what I think of myself.

I know what I give of myself and I like myself very much.  I have learned a lot from the experiences in my life, and some of those experiences were pretty stupid.  But there is a positive inside every negative and I choose to look for the positive and not wallow in negativity.  If I didn’t live through the stupid mistakes and learned from them I would be dead.

ALL of this comes about because of the inability to communicate.  Was it worth destroying family relationships? Was the inability to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” so hard the only thing you thought you were able to do was try to malign me – try to make me the bad guy to justify why they couldn’t open their mouth and speak those words? What goes around comes around.  You reap what you sow. The law of cause and effect.  Life has a way of paying you back when you do things like this.

I’ve tried.  I have no desire to do this anymore. Any advice?