The Ugly Color of the Rainbow – revised

THE rainbow-1467988_640UGLY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW

(explanation below)

Sadly, the people you left behind
won’t know what they will miss
Closing doors, no final looks
To determine if there was any worth to find
No matter the reason, it brings you pain
The kiss, never quite meeting the cheek
before it breezes on with nothing to gain
There will be no need to ever find out
If the person you dismiss
Was the one you didn’t know how much you’d miss
When life pulled the rug from beneath your feet
Afraid of ending life so sad and so alone
Because there was no bridge to cross
You caught your breath
The raging water looked so deep
You could barely see the other side
to see the person standing there
Who fell down weeping, head on the ground
Breathing in the smell of the dirt
and the hateful thoughts they found
When finding someone else to blame
You threw away the one who came
home and was not easy to know
But oh so very easy to let go
You grew weary of trying on your own
Your only thought was let them to go
Never thinking that the day might come
Where I might be the only one
Who really understood who you were
Oh how scared you felt
When you couldn’t find your way
You couldn’t glue together the pieces of your life
They wouldn’t stay connected
You didn’t feel you were protected
But life doesn’t care how you feel
We must gather all our strengths
No one makes it all alone
or knows the length life will go
to show you all the truths you need to know
You were convinced you had no need of me
Toss me away . . . like yesterday. . . didn’t matter
You can’t reach the top if you don’t climb the ladder
But you stopped. . . when you reached halfway
Afraid of falling, you made yourself look away
The whole truth was never important enough
You made peace with just a piece
You don’t even want to know why anymore
You can’t even take a step, it’s easier to endure
But you can’t just stuff it down
It will never go away, unless I make no sound
Then chances will disappear never to be found
No one cares, mistakes I’ve made a few
Coming home to no home I can’t undo
The chance to make amends dissolve
Into a pool of life it can’t resolve
It becomes lost just like we are
Because you stood still and it washed away
Close the door that shut out my cries
Let in the fearfulness of intended lies
That kept you locked away in fear
The truth was not at all what it appeared
The truth is not at all what it appears
Was it worth it, losing me without trying?
Not thinking causing pain only ends with dying
You believe you are not as strong as you are
Locked in a place you can’t take the first step
Fear of change, you were always afraid
of changing the same old same old
Fingers spread across your mouth, never being bold
Keep inside your mind what you are needing
So nothing changes, life keeps you grieving
What if you were wrong all along – again
I can’t be still, say I don’t care and pretend
that blood isn’t thicker than someone else’s needs
Unfinished feelings can be planted just like weeds
To grow again into an unnamed garden
Given strength no lie can crack, the outside hardened
I don’t think anyone cares about that but me
I seem to care alone and I can’t forsee
When it crawls beneath my skin
Where aging wrinkles grow
Indifference is such an ugly color of the rainbow
The future already knows
That you are reaping the cause you sowed
And how does it affect the coming days?
When we run out of time to understand
That we will do it all again, that is cause and effect
Breathing the last breath is not the time to reflect
Will anyone be there to breathe it with you?
Or breathe it with me
when you show your love for me already died
Confusing again twisted truth, how it lied
We slowly, painfully run out of time
Who else knew you since the time we were born
The moment will be gone – no one aware
We will not know when it’s time to mourn
and we will not know it was the time to care
It will be gone

~~~~~~~

In 2010 I moved back to my home state to be near family because I was deathly ill. My mother begged me to, so I’d have family to support me. Only they were not so happy I came back. Now it is 2019 and nothing changed. I won’t get into that complicated mess. I wrote quite abit about it in past years.

One family member was my older sister. Most of my life we were not friends and as adults she believed a lie without asking me if it was true. She wanted nothing to do with me. We made ammends after 2010 and told each other we wouldn’t do that again. She was the only one who supported me through my illness. But her husband was not a very good man and he had control. He succeeded in turning her against me and she cut me off once again. She felt she had to make a choice. Her husband or her sister. She couldn’t have both and I lost her again. This poem I wrote for her but I haven’t sent it to her yet.

 

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