Golden Tears for Golden Years. I thought getting old was a long time in the future. Aging happened to old people, not me. My life changed for me after my liver transplant in 2012. I understood how precious life was. We have a choice as we age. We can get old on the inside and the outside or we can continue to grow and expand how we think about life, regardless if the outside skin ages. If we think we are old then we aren’t going to try new things and reach for things we want to do because we think we are too old. Being old in our mind makes us appear older on the outside.
I’ve done a lot in my life. Not everything was successful. But if you never try you know without a doubt that you will not succeed at anything. Is there a point where you should stop trying? If you are able? That is a waste of the few years we have. People often grow old too fast. They fear the unknown and settle for what is “safe”. It’s easier. I see many unhappy older people. We do reach a point where it becomes impossible. Health gets bad. Things we knew we should have stopped doing – but kept on doing, with the attitude of, “You gotta go somehow,” becomes a reality.
The older we get the more people we lose and the more alone we get. We don’t think about these things until it becomes too late. It becomes a matter of living out each day until we get old enough to die ourselves. I live in a senior community. I see it all around me. I see it in family who won’t change the way they eat even though they know if they continue it will shorten their life.
I did things that ended up making me sick. It came very close to ending my life, but I pulled through. I’m not in the best of health. Some days are a major push to get through. I can give into this and let it be the focal point of my life or I can “see” a different future. I can’t make anyone do what I think they should do, even if I am right. And I can’t live my life the way others think I should.
So here I am, in my 60’s. Not young, not old, but coming up on the far side of middle age. I am using what time I have left doing what makes me happy. I can’t make anyone else happy. They have to figure that out for themselves. Financially I am not secure. Living on disability is barely working. I lost my living when I got sick. I need to make more money and the only way I can do that is writing music and writing words. I need to go through the insecurities and fear of failure and focus on what I need to do and trust it is the right thing.
That is the meaning of the title of this piece of music. When we are young we have our whole life ahead of us, even though some die young they rarely know it is coming. Youth have had very few personal disappointments from career choices and few relationship failures. They haven’t yet raised a family. Options of what to do is great.
At my age I do have things that bring tears to my eyes; disappointments that are hard to deal with; people who change and become unrecognizable and health that falls apart because either we don’t take care of it or we think we can start taking care of it at a later date. I want to use the years I have left thinking of what I want to do that makes me happy. I’m coming up on my golden years and I want to make the most of it.
It is not about what I look like, it is about who I’ve become which then shows in the music I create – that comes from the experiences I’ve had in my life. I am leaving a footprint of who I am that can be listened to or read after I am gone. My great great grandchildren? Maybe one will be a keyboard player or musician of some other kind who will learn who I am through my music. That music can live on.
Sonni Quick at SoundCloud – Stories Without Words