Today a paralegal called me back who I had spoken to last Friday. When we finished speaking she told me, “I went online after we spoke to find your music. I listened to it all day while I worked. It’s beautiful. You have a gift. I hope your arm heals okay. You have so much give.”
Such a simple sentence with so much power to heal the hurt and fear inside. A simple sentence many people are not able to say; withheld because it isn’t important to the giver. A simple fear; will I be able to raise my arm and play the piano without pain? Will I be able to open my arm and play a bass arpeggio? If that happened would I be told to just get over it? That would be likely.
SoundCloud – Sonni Quick. Hear my music at this link. Let me know if there is anything you’d like to download as an MP3 and I’ll make it possible.
Two days ago one of my oldest friends from jr high responded to a post I put online about my fall and she mentioned she has lost complete use of her right arm. A one line sentence with no explanation. I must call her today. How can I not? Had she told me before and I don’t remember? My mother had a stroke in April that affected her right side. It is somewhat stronger, but still she can’t hold a pen or feed herself with that arm and hand. This helps me understand their loss. I’m in a cast and a huge sling to immobilize my arm.
Throughout our lives we are sometimes faced with losing parts of our life, whether the death of a loved one or any part of our life cruelly snatched away. We have to learn to cope with it ouur it will kill some part of us. Sometimes it alters us permanently. You would think that experience would make us more sensitive of others, but I think it makes some of us want others to hurt as much as we do. If we have to lose, so does everyone else. Their pain is NOT MY FAULT we may think.
It’s been emotionally painful, knowing how much this fall could change my ability to play and possibly affect other plans for my life. I believe many creative people in all the arts are sensitive to the opinions of others. We expose ourselves to criticism and rejection of a very personal part of ourselves. It is not that everyone has to praise or love what I do, but rejection or disinterest by people who know me opens up a wound that goes deep inside. It can’t be fixed when it is done intentionally or callously with no regard. If the argument is given that it was done unknowingly then what does it say about the quality of that person to care so little,
These are the kinds of behaviors that go around, over and over, cause and effect that bring sadness; no one taking responsibility for the things they do yet seek understanding for themselves when the effect of their causes swing back to them. Can I treat people the way I’ve been treated? I don’t think so, but truthfully, I’m not sure. I would hope I wouldn’t be vindictive. I would be disappointed in myself if I did.
Today, this woman on the phone, a stranger, taking the time to tell me how she enjoyed my music gave me the boost of inner confidence I needed to hear to believe a little more that I will be okay. It gave me the determination to not only get it all back but to use this experience to add a deeper layer of expression to the emotions I play. We don’t often realize how much our words affect the people we speak to. Sometimes we are callous and don’t realize what we do. What we think, say or do affects our own life as well as the person we say it to. We reap the benefit of being positive, and we reap the negative of the pain we cause.
What I play are not compositions. They are improvisations. I do not “write” these pieces down so others can play them. They belong only to me and not to the interpretatiom of others. I can not play them again so I record while I play. I don’t think about what I play. I get a feeling – an emotion – and I let my fingers express it. Usually days later, after memory of playing it fades, I listen. Simple, clear, uncomplicated melodies. Close your eyes. Relax. Clear your mind of your worries. Regroup yourself. My music is a meditation..
Because I am very sensitive to emotions, the brightness in this woman’s voice was just the medicine I needed. She made the cause to brighten this woman’s day. She may not understand that but the effect of that cause will be there for her in her life regardless, hopefully as something nice done for her.
I am a Nichiren Buddhist. Our faith is based on the law of cause and effect. We take that very seriously. It makes US responsible for our lives and happeniness. Christians have something very similar in their teachings. It is called – you reap what you sow. There is also the Golden Rule. If you believe the Bible is irrefutably God’s word, how seriously do those phrases play a part in all you think, say or do?