The law of cause and effect is absolute. It doesn’t pick a cause we made at random and decide we will pay the price for this particular act and let others slide. It is not the Lord’s will, or his plan for me, that I should suffer for long decades out of my life for the stupid, lack of wisdom, choice I made when I was very young to do IV drugs. What “caused” me to want to do them in the first place? I never even hesitated. The first chance I had to try them, I did. But why? I didn’t come from a family who even kept alcohol in the house and no one in my family – even extended family even smoked cigarettes. Imagine that. What are the odds? But I was drawn to it and jumped in with both feet. It lasted for three years. I got pregnant with my son, now almost 39, and knew he was more important and it gave me the strength to stop. I thought I got away with it. I thought I was one of the lucky ones. Many people can’t stop. Boy, was I wrong. We don’t get away from the effects of our karma – ever.
The karma was there waiting for my family. After I left home for college my father started drinking. Why? Why then? It killed him fast. He was dead at age 54 after several bouts of ascities – the abdomen filling with fluid and long needles were inserted to drain out fluid to make it easier to breathe. He was so sick. He looked 90. At age 54 I had my first attack of ascities. My liver could no longer work. My father’s father also died at age 54 because his body filled with fluid. It went over his lungs and he literally drowned in his own fluid. All three of us at age 54. Same cause, different reason. That is karma. Who’s next?
This is karma. This was something I had to go through. This was one of the lessons I had to learn. Learn it or repeat it. We call into our lives the lessons we need to learn and if we don’t learn what we need to learn and use it in a way to help others and grow into a better person then we do it again.
Here’s an easy example to explain. We draw into our lives the same kind of people until we learn. A woman will draw the same kind of abuser. Or we get the same kind of boss. We acquire the same kind of friends who misuse us. We might even try to move to a different area thinking we can start all over but we end up with the same kind of people in our lives – because we have not changed. We haven’t learned. If we move we carry our karmic baggage with us.
So what does this have to do with the title of this post? It has everything to do with it. First of all I am not dead – and I should be. Many people in my position didn’t make it. Why? Am I more deserving? Would any of you have the foolish nerve to say that God decided to let me live, especially when I absolutely do not believe there is an emotional thinking entity in the universe that singled me out to live? You’d think he would keep alive a person who praised his name and gloried this entity who NEEDS to be praised. Actually, you’d think he’d strike me dead for being so blasphemous. Yet that won’t happen.
Staying alive has not been easy. It has taken much study to learn what my body needs. Undiagnosed pain began in the mid ’80’s when no one knew what Hep C was, so doctors did what they usually did to women -said it was all in my head and wanted to put me on heavy doses of mind numbing anti-depressants. I went through diagnoses of Epstein Barr, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, because of nerve damage. Hepatis damages far more than just the liver. The correct diagnoses came in ’98. I’ve been on narcotic pain relief for 23 years although I now keep the dosage at what I think is a minimal dose.
My karma was to do drugs whether I wanted to or not. That has not changed. When I stopped using, my life, my karma, made it very clear that if I wasn’t going to take drugs voluntary it would make me take them. Karma doesn’t have a personality. It doesn’t love us.It doesn’t care about us. It isn’t evil. It doesn’t try to influence us in any way. We don’t have to believe in it. It doesn’t need to be worshipped or prayed to. We don’t have to ask it to come into our heart and “save” us. What it needs us to do is to take responsibility for the things we do and for the effects in our life from these causes we made in this life we have. If you continue to look outside yourself for the reasons for your problems and ask some force “out there” to fix them for you, you’ll continue to wait for a long time. And when it fails you’ll say it must be the Lord’s will. If things do work out it is also the Lord’s will. God can’t lose. No matter what happens it is his responsibility
It is because I accept responsibility – completely – for my life that I am still here. I have survived every single illness and infection this disease has thrown at me from ascites, varicies, liver cancer, ongoing skin cancer, hemachromatosis, lung infections, severe osteoporosis, spinal fracture, 7 rib fractures, ovaries and tubes removed with cysts the size of a grapefruit, every gastrointestinal infection known to man, liver transplant, spinal surgery and a lot more I don’t even remember – ALL BECAUSE I CHOSE TO DO IV DRUGS WHEN I WAS 20. I am now 61.
This is the karma I created. Do I let it beat me? Should I feel sorry for myself? Please, do not ever say you are sorry that I have had to go through this. I am not. This is a benefit. This is an opportunity that presented itself in this lifetime that I am changing. When negative things happen to you, what matters is how you handle it – your attitude – the new causes you make that determines whether you change it or perpetuate it. Do you accept responsibility for everything that happens in your life or do you say some things are not your fault – you’re a victim – you didn’t do anything to cause it – it was just bad luck? Everything happens for a reason whether you want to believe it or not. To understand the law of life is worth all of it. It’s a whole lot easier to not accept responsibility for our lives – to say it’s God’s will because that is something someone taught you to believe and you’re afraid to question it or you might piss him off. So many people need something else to be responsible for their pain.
So now, the latest in my fight against this disease is the drug Harvoni, tried first with Ribavirin, but it lowered my red blood count where I wasn’t getting enough oxygen and can barely walk across the room and I’ve been nauseas 24/7 for 7 weeks. Some people breeze through on this drug, but for me everything I’ve done to stay alive has been a major fight and hard won. If there is a side effect, I will have it. This is a hard, deep karma. Once an addict always an addict and anyone who has ever fought an addiction that sets out to kill you knows that it always owns you, no matter how far you try to run from it. If I had won over it I wouldn’t be taking 20 mgs of methadone every day just to cut the edge of the chronic pain I have.
Harvoni is my best chance of living. Hep C will eventually kill my new liver. Then I’ll be too old for another transplant. I wouldn’t survive it anyway. Harvoni works for 95% of those who take it. That is great odds, but still, 5 out of 100 don’t get cured. What happened to them? No one talks about them.
I feel I’ve done everything I could and I stay optimistic about my future. I have much to do yet. I still have dreams and goals to meet. I will live every minute of my life and work to make a difference in people’s lives. My life matters. I am still a mother, a grandmother, and I am still wonderfully, appreciatively a daughter and a sister.
I have said in other posts, “The only legacy we really leave behind is the effect we had on other people”. That has been my goal in life – to be a positive effect on people. To give them hope, strength and encouragement to change their lives and become happy. Those things are found inside you, not “out there”.
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